Who are you telling that you used a donor?

MrsKoch

We'll obviously tell our child when the appropriate time happens ( when would that be?), but who are you sharing your decision with? My sister knows, my inlaws obviously, and a few of our close friends. Not sure if I'm going to tell my mom, extended family....etc. They know he can't have a child naturally because of his vasectomy from his previous marriage. DH doesn't care who knows, I'm not sure who I'd be comfortable knowing. What did/will you choose to do?

amyhensley007

MrsKoch wrote: »

We'll obviously tell our child when the appropriate time happens ( when would that be?), but who are you sharing your decision with? My sister knows, my inlaws obviously, and a few of our close friends. Not sure if I'm going to tell my mom, extended family....etc. They know he can't have a child naturally because of his vasectomy from his previous marriage. DH doesn't care who knows, I'm not sure who I'd be comfortable knowing. What did/will you choose to do?

I am struggling with the same dilemma. I know this is something I want to do. But I'm not sure who I want to know about it. I have older children, and they most certainly will know. But my mother is my biggest concern. In the past when I've talked about adoption, her response has always been something along the lines of, "you never know what genetics you might get....you could wind up with a child with severe issues (mental, physical, behavioral...you name it) because you don't know anything about parents". I'm using donor egg as well, so in all reality it is going to be like an adoption in that the child will have no genetic link to me at all. I don't want to go through the childhood years hearing "I wonder if that came from the donor's family?" if you know what I mean.

So yeah, I haven't decided if my mom will know or not:)

Good luck to you on your decision!

MrsKoch

Amy, my mom is one of my biggest reasons I don't want to tell many people either. Which is really sad. We looked into adoption too and when I told her she was so rude about it. I'm just afraid other people will be weird about it or talk bad and my kiddo hearing it and feel like something is wrong with them.

CRippli1

My husband and I have chosen to be completely open about it from day one with our son and therefore with anyone else. We never want him to think it is a decision that is a secret or something to feel ashamed of. We know not everyone will always be supportive but so far so good. Our families all already know and so do many of our friends. Of course we don't find it necessary to bring up unless it comes up, which rarely happens, but if it does happen we're open about it.

SumSTAR524

My spouse of course and my dr. My mother will know after the safe waiting zone of pregnancy since last year she was a huge emotional an financial support when IVF with spouse sperm didn't work.
Not to worried about what others think as much as telling the child itself

Uclagirl24

My husband and I have just recently decided to go donor route and I have already told my family and my closest friends about it. My parents have been very supportive and nice about it and so is everyone else in my family. My closest friends also think that it's a good idea. My in-laws, however, have no idea, and we are nervous about telling them. My main concern is that they won't be love the child because he or she will not be biologically related. To make things more complicated, my husband is Asian and I may or may not use an Asian donor ( just want someone with great medical history and whoever feels right for us regardless of the race). Chances are that our baby will look nothing like my husband. Hubby left the task of choosing a donor entirely up to me.
We have decided to tell the child from the beginning choosing age appropriate language because it is not some big dark secret that anyone should be ashamed of. We are bringing a child in this life who will be very loved and it shouldnt be anything but a positive experience. Our children will always know that they were very wanted and our life wouldnt be complete without them. Becoming a mother is something i have always dreamed about. Likewise, my husband really wants to be a dad. He tells me that now we should focus on becoming pregnant ( finding a donor, doing IUI, etc) and not worry about his family or anyone else's opinion for that matter. His parents are actually very nice people, but they only recently found out about my husband's male infertiltiy factor and I am sure they are still processing that fact. We will obviously tell them eventually, because like i mentioned, it is not a secret. As of those couples who choose not to tell their children or anyone else, I am sure they thought about it and made a right decision for themselves. If you asked me about this two years ago, I would probably want to keep this a secret too. But now I have a new perspective and don't really care anymore who knows and who doesnt.