New to all of this looking for guidance and advice

sanders15618

My husband and I have been married for 7 years. It is my 1st marriage and his 2nd. He got married the 1st time at a young age and it didn't work out, he has 3 children from his first marriage. He had a vasectomy almost 14 years ago, we have talked to several fertility Doctors and a reversal would be possible but it isn't guaranteed due to the amount of time that has passed. That is a lot of money that we don't have, especially while raising 3 teenagers and both working in public service (my husband is a detective and I am a paramedic). We both want a child and have decided to try a sperm donor. I'm wondering how to choose a donor, how do you deal with the fact that the child is not both biologically yours, how to tell family and friends. I guess just a general question about the entire process. We have contacted another fertility clinic in town to make a appointment. Any help, suggestions or support would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance

CRippli1

Well, as a mother of a donor child, and the wife of a man who cannot have children that our biologically his, I have to say I think that going forward with a donor is a wonderful decision you are making. Because your husband already has 3 biological children, I imagine that should make this process much easier for him than it would be for a man who cannot have biological children. It honestly hasn't been an issue for us that our son isn't biologically related to my husband. It is so fun watching them together and seeing how much they adore one another. The biology just doesn't matter as much as one would assume it does.

For us telling family and friends has just been a straight forward process. Basically just, "Hey, here's how we have decided to go forward." I have yet to come across anyone who isn't completely supportive of our choice. We have had some people who are surprised by it and ask questions, but we don't mind answering questions. We still haven't told all our friends. We kind of just talk about it as it comes up (if it comes up). We have also told everyone along the way that we aren't keeping it a secret and if they find themselves in a situation where they want to share our story, they are more than welcome to. We have been very open about it all, I suppose.

For us the process was considerably straight forward. When I went through the IUI I was only 26, and didn't have any fertility issues myself. So I had an initial consultation with my doctor, she explained to me their system (I imagine its different, though similar, anywhere you go) and the next month when I got a positive ovulation test I went in. They had me go in on the day of the positive opk and the day after my positive opk. I was a completely natural cycle with no monitoring or anything. And we were successful. I think we were very lucky that it worked for us on our first (natural) try. You would have to get feedback from others in regards to how it works when on fertility medication.

As far as choosing a donor, we initially started off uploading my husbands picture to find donors who looked most like him. But quickly found as we were researching those donors that they didn't have very good medical histories. It quickly became more important to us to find as solid of a medical history as we could over finding a donor that would look like my husband (plus, it isn't like we're trying to fool people into thinking the child is biologically related to my husband, so that really didn't matter to us). We ended up picking a donor who really doesn't have much in common at all with my husband but had the best medical of anyone else we had come across.

When I was pregnant I sometimes felt like I was pregnant and it was my baby but not my husbands and he was just along for the ride. But I have been very pleased to learn how natural it all feels now that our son is here. I really think you will be happy with this decision. It can be overwhelming initially and it can definitely feel scary, but when it all boils down, it will be your husbands name on the birth certificate. He will be the one there for the first smile, laugh, steps, day in school, graduation, etc. He will be the child's dad.

Good luck! Hope this helps your process

sanders15618

Thank you so much for your input it helps put things into perspective. We have our first appt next week and we are excited to hear what the Dr has to say. Hopefully we can start the process soon!

CRippli1

sanders, how are things coming along?

Myahsmom

I have a beautiful daughter who will be one next week from doner and IUI I thank god every day leading me to my beautiful girl I couldn't imagine any other baby!

LikaDvali

Congratulations on the baby! could you please tell me your donor number. She is beautiful and I assume she is healthy.
Thank you.