Counseling for husband?

ShipulaA

Hi Everyone! We are very new to this and are nearly positive we want to use donor sperm. My husband has cystic fibrosis and after tons of extensive testing and a sperm retrieval, sperm was found! We were ecstatic as you can imagine, only days later to get a phone call saying the sperm was dead. We have decided that we want to go through the process of actually being pregnant, so we'd much rather use a donor than adopt. My husband is having some reluctancy as you can imagine. So this post is really to the husbands who have been through it out there! He says "Ya know, I'd love to think I'm going to be okay with it and love the baby no differently, but when we're in the hospital room and people are saying Ohhh he/she has Anthony's eyes, etc. I may be thinking- no she doesn't. I just don't know what I'll really be feeling and I'm nervous of that." Any husbands out there that can give advice since the baby isn't "biologically" yours?? Is the bond and connection still very possible?

CRippli1

My husband says, "Yes. When it first starts off you're just so focused on making it through day to day. Once you come out of that New Parent LaLa Land, the child knows you're it's dad. So you have to be it's dad. The only thing that can stop that is you. Which is hard to do at that point because you're pretty hooked."

My only thing to add is, there are a lot of dads (and moms) in the world who are biologically related to their children but are not good parents and don't bond/connect with their kids because they don't want to be parents. If you want to be a dad, you're already a step ahead. You just have to realize the biological aspect is actually such an irrelevant part of the equation. It's not even necessary.

k&b

I know it's been a while since this was posted, but I hope you are still reading replies. We have a 3 year old via donor, and are trying for our second. (I'm 4 weeks pregnant today). This process was MUCH harder on my husband than I expected it to be. For him, he felt like his manhood was challenged. The actual IUI procedure made him nauseous each time. But the real problems came as she got older, and constantly had people telling him that our daughter looked like me, not him. Or "does she get her curly hair from your side??" Not all men would feel this way, and I believe firmly that a large majority of those that do wouldn't voice it. We have gotten very good at expressing honest emotions during our 10 years of marriage, and 2 years of therapy for my past trauma issues. What really helped was therapy. He found a MALE (we tried female, he felt she couldn't truly understand his side, and I agree) therapist who specializes in sexual issues. For this therapist it was sexual addiction, infedelity and infertility. He only saw him a handful of times, though he might go back one or two more after the next baby. But he was extremely helpful. He saw and sympathized and explained things that being a woman, I never could. It was the best thing for him. I must say his love for our daughter has NEVER been an issue. Acceptance of her was NEVER an issue. It was the idea that he didn't "make" her with me. I'm beyond thankful for this therapist, and the support and guidance he gave my husband. It took my husband from "I will never get over this" to "okay, let's try for a second baby". Best of luck to you!!