How did your husband feeling about using donor sperm?

jaanni88

Hi all,

My husband and I have been TTC since June 2015, which is when I went off birth control. The first 6 months we were passive about getting pregnant and then we really started timing everything. In January 2017, Hubby was diagnosed with non-obstructive azoospermia. We've ruled out everything except chromosomal tests, but the urologist has indicated that he thinks this is just a genetic "defect" and that microTESE won't help us find sperm. As such, a few months later in April 2017, I began exploring donors. Hubby didn't want to look at any donor profiles, so I narrowed down and chose a perfect donor, one that matched my hubby very closely. I was very happy with my choice, and ordered 3 vials. It was actually Hubby who suggested we do donor sperm now, and see about microTESE later. We are on the IVF waiting list in Canada. He's 38 and doesn't want to delay having kids any further. (I'm 29, no known fertility issues.)

He's generally been pretty positive about the whole thing. He's said to me that "This is our path" and that we were meant to face this challenge together for whatever reason. I had my first IUI today and Hubby has been pretty down in the dumps about it. I asked him what he was feeling and he said "disappointment." He wanted to be the one to get me pregnant (not another man), and he just can't. But he has to know that it's hard for me too, allowing another man to give us our baby. I told him that.

I really hope that in time, he can adjust to things, especially once I become pregnant. I want him to realize that sperm doesn't make you a father. There is so much more to being a father - it's being there, being present, being involved, helping raise your child.

Has anyone ever gone through this with their hubby? Did he eventually come around?

Oliviakins

Husband posting here: In our case, my morphology was ridiculous and pretty much precluded conception and we were both in a place where we were emotionally done when we found a donor. We have a daughter now and I can say that I still occasionally have feelings of disappointment or sadness but it's transient and that by and large I'm fine with it. I personally found it helpful to take the lead on finding a donor with similar attributes to my wife and I. And I can say that seeing my daughter (who is sleeping on me as I type this, actually) removes any feelings of sadness or disappointment. I know that I am her father regardless of whose genetic material helped conceive her and I'm just crazy about her. Still, any time the reality of the donor becomes "real" the disappointment can come back. It was real with the IUI, for example. Likewise when the paternity test came back (long story short: my morphology shot back to normal right before the IUI and we decided, rather than pay for another month of storage and trust that my numbers stayed good, to have the clinic mix a sample from me and the donor sample together and IUI the whole thing. We did the test so we'd know whose medical history was accurate and the donor was the bio-dad.) Every so often when I think about things that I just won't pass on (near photographic memory, left-handedness, or attributes of family members who have since died) I will still feel disappointed even though I know that there's no guarantee those things would have been passed on regardless. And it's important to note that I don't feel disappointed in the baby or towards my wife, more just disappointment that this wasn't something I could do and that it led to so much stress for both of us. And of course there's always the thoughts of "not being a man" which is ridiculous and toxic, but still a concept that society puts out there and it might be something that can weigh on a guy's mind in this situation.

Ultimately you know your husband and potentially what thoughts are bothering him. Likewise you may have an idea, just from the relationship, if talking about these thoughts is best or if they are also transitory and he's dealing with them as they come up. Regardless, any situation that reminds a person of the donor, of the whole process, or that makes it more "real" is likely to evoke some of these feelings no matter how well the guy has adjusted and accepted the idea. All you can do is keep underlining the fact that being a father is more than sharing genetic material. It is a role that is played and it's not predicated by genetics.

jaanni88

Thank you so much for your reply - I really appreciate it and it's nice to get the perspective of someone in the same situation.

For my husband, his thoughts come and go. One day he says he wants a healthy baby, or he's telling me to stock up when diapers are on sale. He knows he can't choose the gender, but he really hopes we have a girl. The day of my IUI, he was really moody, and I understand, because his "inadequacy", as he calls it, is still on his mind. He's disappointed in himself that he can't give me the one thing that I wanted most. He feels like he's let me down. He didn't want to know anything about the donor and he trusted me to choose someone that was very much like him, and I was able to. I think he's afraid of getting the mental image of the donor stuck in his head and feeling the "Well this guy can give my wife a child but I can't" feelings of inadequacy. I know it must be so incredibly tough on him. But I keep reassuring him that I'm not "mad" at him, this is just the hand we were dealt and we have a choice in how we play the cards. He knows it isn't his fault but it doesn't take away from his feelings of sadness over not being able to father a child. I do remind him that there's so much more to being a dad than fathering a child. So much more.

Do you have any words of advice that I might share with him? Thanks so much.

Oliviakins wrote: »

Husband posting here: In our case, my morphology was ridiculous and pretty much precluded conception and we were both in a place where we were emotionally done when we found a donor. We have a daughter now and I can say that I still occasionally have feelings of disappointment or sadness but it's transient and that by and large I'm fine with it. I personally found it helpful to take the lead on finding a donor with similar attributes to my wife and I. And I can say that seeing my daughter (who is sleeping on me as I type this, actually) removes any feelings of sadness or disappointment. I know that I am her father regardless of whose genetic material helped conceive her and I'm just crazy about her. Still, any time the reality of the donor becomes "real" the disappointment can come back. It was real with the IUI, for example. Likewise when the paternity test came back (long story short: my morphology shot back to normal right before the IUI and we decided, rather than pay for another month of storage and trust that my numbers stayed good, to have the clinic mix a sample from me and the donor sample together and IUI the whole thing. We did the test so we'd know whose medical history was accurate and the donor was the bio-dad.) Every so often when I think about things that I just won't pass on (near photographic memory, left-handedness, or attributes of family members who have since died) I will still feel disappointed even though I know that there's no guarantee those things would have been passed on regardless. And it's important to note that I don't feel disappointed in the baby or towards my wife, more just disappointment that this wasn't something I could do and that it led to so much stress for both of us. And of course there's always the thoughts of "not being a man" which is ridiculous and toxic, but still a concept that society puts out there and it might be something that can weigh on a guy's mind in this situation.

Ultimately you know your husband and potentially what thoughts are bothering him. Likewise you may have an idea, just from the relationship, if talking about these thoughts is best or if they are also transitory and he's dealing with them as they come up. Regardless, any situation that reminds a person of the donor, of the whole process, or that makes it more "real" is likely to evoke some of these feelings no matter how well the guy has adjusted and accepted the idea. All you can do is keep underlining the fact that being a father is more than sharing genetic material. It is a role that is played and it's not predicated by genetics.

Oliviakins

I think you're saying pretty much the right things. If he brings up feeling inadequate or not being able to give you a child, just remind him that being a dad is more than providing genetic material. Even though there are a number of things set by genetics, there's also even more that's formed by experience and upbringing and that is what he will be providing. Through upbringing, he would be providing a child to you, or rather helping you in raising this person. Down the line if everything goes well and you're pregnant (I know my wife and I didn't even want to think about that through the process because even though it's what we wanted, our emotions were constantly beaten down through IUIs not working, so we just didn't want to get our hopes up and take things one moment at a time) you can engage him in conversations about things that he wants to do with the baby. Thing he wants to show her, places you want to go, holidays, that kind of thing. Kind of engaging him in the father process while also guiding his thoughts to the active role he will be playing and the fact that he will be a dad.

Mandy

Hi this is my first time being on here!! My husband had cancer when he was younger. All the radiation and chemo has left him with no sperm. We have been married for 12 years (13 in May). Their are some days he is great with the idea and others not so much. We are having the IUI process. I know it is difficult to talk about but talking throw it and telling each other your fears and what concerns both of you will really help. Best of luck!!

ecommercebuilder

All you can do is keep underlining the fact that being a father is more than sharing genetic material. It is a role that is played and it's not predicated by genetics.