Any tips for keeping significant other involved?

CLI Moderator

Some dads may feel overwhelmed by the whole process of using a donor. Does anyone have tips to share on how to keep your spouse or significant other involved and excited during this journey?

nnegaard

My husband came to the first insemination which was exciting for both of us. Even though the first one didn't take, it felt like we were better connected and both on board with the decision.

firstandformostmom

I agree. My husband joked that he didn't want to tell people he wasn't there for the conception of our daughter, cause they'd get the wrong idea. LOL. Seriously though, I feel it is important for the significant other to be present at not only the insemination appointments, but also the pregnancy ones. It seems even more important, since some significant others could feel more detached, given the circumstances.

My husband was also involved when we were picking donors. We both had equal say on whether or not to keep or scrap a donor. The final selection was ultimately both our decisions, which helped him feel involved in the process. He was also there when I took all 8 pregnancy tests, so that he was the first to know the results. He was there at the birth and cut the umbilical cord. He was there throughout the WHOLE process, begining to end, which I think helped him not only heal from the shock of never being able to biologically father children, but also form that special daddy-daughter bond with the daughter he at one time thought he'd never have.

clarapippa

I hope my husband is this involved! He seems pretty darn hesitant and even intimidated at this point as we are just picking out potential donors. He and I are also torn at how much importance we should place on having the donor look very much like him. It's going to be impossible to find a perfect match (especially since nearly all of our matched results are blond and we're both brunette!) and how much will it REALLY matter if your child doesn't look exactly like both parents? Does anyone have any input as far as this? (I think the "dread" of potentially have a child who looks like neither he nor I is partially what's making him apprehensive.)

firstandformostmom wrote:

I agree. My husband joked that he didn't want to tell people he wasn't there for the conception of our daughter, cause they'd get the wrong idea. LOL. Seriously though, I feel it is important for the significant other to be present at not only the insemination appointments, but also the pregnancy ones. It seems even more important, since some significant others could feel more detached, given the circumstances.

My husband was also involved when we were picking donors. We both had equal say on whether or not to keep or scrap a donor. The final selection was ultimately both our decisions, which helped him feel involved in the process. He was also there when I took all 8 pregnancy tests, so that he was the first to know the results. He was there at the birth and cut the umbilical cord. He was there throughout the WHOLE process, begining to end, which I think helped him not only heal from the shock of never being able to biologically father children, but also form that special daddy-daughter bond with the daughter he at one time thought he'd never have.

cottonlily

For us, it's not a struggle. My husband just eventually came to terms with the fact that he cannot biologically produce children. Once it really sank in with him that there are no "ifs" or "buts" or miracles going to happen for us (after years of trying and 4 IUIs) he was able to move on to considering donor insemination. So I think the trick is to really grasp and accept the reason you are using a donor before trying to accept using a donor. Actually, he was the one who suggested using a donor. From that point forward the process has been almost fun even. It's a project we're tackling together, from trying to find the right sperm bank to finding the right donor; joking how some profiles sound like they belong on a cheesy dating site, to going in for another insemination. We're just on the same page and everything flows smoothly. Personally, I wouldn't dare try to go forward with a donor insemination if my partner wasn't already 100% on board, with a positive and accepting attitude. That would be like couples on the brink of divorce, who try to push forward without resolving the issues they're already facing. It's just not going to work well.

hellagood82

My husband and I have gone through the heartache of realizing my husband isn't producing any sperm. What a blow to both of us, but I cannot imagine how he feels. We both discussed having children from the day that we met. Although we aren't starting a family in such a conventional manner as once thought, we are on our way to starting a family none the less. We have taken our time coming to terms, coping with, and coming up with a plan for our situation. Our journey has been almost three years to get to the point of using the donor we've chosen, and I'm glad we've taken the time that we have. My husband and I are 199% on the same page. The fertility center that we are using actually mandates that their clients visit with their psychiatrist before beginning treatments to ensure both partners are on the same page. For anyone considering the donor route, please, for your own peace of mind make one appointment to clear the air and go over any concerns or questions that either partner may have. Most areas have fertility specific counselors available. Although my husband and I had already discussed nearly everything brought up in the session, a few things did come up that we honestly wouldn't have thought about. We will be doing our first insemination in a few weeks and we are over the moon!!! We are keeping our fingers crossed and are praying that we will be parents to a healthy baby sooner than later. This process in a way has made us MUCH closer as a couple. We love unconditionally and have become a much stronger force. I feel as though I don't have much ground to stand on as far as giving advice since we are not parents yet. On the other hand I know how hard it is to come to terms with, and how hard it is to go through the grieving process with your spouse. For anyone looking into using a donor I can only ask that you both spend enough time talking it out. It can be so easy as a woman to go after what we want without taking into account our spouses true feelings, even when we get the "it's fine" response. Good luck to everyone trying

Gatorgrl81

My DH wasn't very involved or interested in the donor selection process - he knew that I was the one with the research skills, so I just narrowed down to 3 choices and let him pick. It took us 6 IUI's to conceive. He came to all of my appointments - consults, HSG, IUI's, etc - except for the one that finally worked. LOL (He needed emergency dental work that same day and we didn't want to scrap another cycle, so I just went by myself.) When we went to the IUI's together, we made a little 'date' out of it. We live in a small town, and our clinic was in a larger city about 45 minutes away. So we'd go check in at the clinic, then we would go have coffee & desert at a cute little cafe' nearby while the specimen defrosted. At the appointment, the nurse would let him hold the specimen vial in his hands to 'keep it warm' while she prepped me for the IUI. He was pretty adorable about it and would talk to the sperm to give them a 'pep talk.' Then after the appointment, we would go out and sit in his truck and so that I could continue to relax and prop my feet up for a little while before the drive home. We always listened to the same playlist - which began with "I get around" by the Beach Boys. (If you have ever seen "Look Who's Talking," you'll understand the reference. LOL)

I kept the same routine at the last appointment, even though he couldn't come with me. But I called him on my cell phone during the IUI so that we could chat during the procedure. He sat with me for every pregnancy test and he cried like a baby when we finally got a positive on 2/28/2011. Staying involved from the beginning made him feel equally responsible for achieving this pregnancy - and he was. Now that our son is here, the fact that we used a donor for his conception rarely crosses our minds. He is just the proudest daddy that I've even seen, and he can't get enough of his baby boy.

ladyrosaleah

My husband was the first... first to say "yes, lets have a daughter", first to call his Dr., first to agree to a sperm donor (he'd had a vasectomy). I've keept him in the link at every stage. However, I'm better at narrowing down options so I choose my top choices and let him read the profiles etc and then forced him to talk to me about our options. His point on it was he was happy with whatever God gave us. In the end though, I'm very glad we talked about what made the donors appeal to us as we both learned a little bit about each other.

His current job in all of this is financier. That is until its transfer day. We're going to make a vacation out of it, going up and spending a few days in town to spend some time together. We're currently seperated by the military so we're working hard to take the time to make sure that we're both together mentally until he retires and moves to my location. Then he's sworn to rub lotion on my tummy and snuggle ALOT! Two years seperation by the military; we have ALOT of snuggling to make up!