Allison's story
I had decided a long time ago that I was going to be a mom. In this little book I filled out each school year, it asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I had numerous things listed there throughout the years but the one constant was “a mom.” I remember being fascinated by pregnant women at a very young age and puffing out my belly to pretend I was pregnant! When I was in college, I decided that if I didn’t meet that “special someone” by the time I got to a certain age (I never really definitively defined that age), then I would figure out how to do it myself. I did tons of reading and talking and thinking and decided that donor insemination was the way I wanted to go. I was never and am still not opposed to adopting, but I really wanted to try to have a genetic connection to my child. I have 2 friends who have gone the donor insemination route, 1 anonymous and 1 known.
I finally made an appointment with the fertility clinic in September 2009. I was 36 at the time. I spent a month doing the fertility testing they suggested (not all, because I knew I did not have a fertility problem; my only problem was lack of free, fresh sperm). I had been charting my BBT and cervical fluid for close to a year at that point and had used a (borrowed) fertility monitor for a few months and everything seemed OK. I also started doing acupuncture that summer. I had blood tests done throughout my cycle that month and an ultrasound to check my ovarian reserve. (I refused anything having to do with Clomid!) Nothing revealed any evidence why I shouldn’t go forward. So I picked out my donor. It was really pretty easy to find. I picked an identity release donor who has similar characteristics as me (except I wanted a thin donor to give my child a genetic chance to maybe be thin). This one seemed to be perfect. I ordered 2 vials and was ready to go.
In October, my fertility monitor did not give me a peak reading, which had me puzzled and disappointed. In November, I had a peak reading and went in for my first IUI. Unfortunately it didn’t work that time. In December, I tried again and it worked! I was so excited and proud! I had turned 37 in November. I had an early ultrasound and they were concerned about the heart rate; it was too low. I refused any other ultrasounds beyond that because I just wanted to enjoy being pregnant, even if it wasn’t going to last. I miscarried Saturday February 20th, 2010; I was 10 weeks along. I was actually at a friend’s house 2 hours away. I woke up with bleeding, tried to will it away, which didn’t work so I drove the 2 hours home! Stupid maybe, but I knew I only wanted to be home if this was going to happen. My friend who I was visiting just had to put her cat down and she was an emotional wreck and her mother who was visiting was not a warm fuzzy sort of person. I really believe in signs and as I pulled into my driveway, a red tail hawk flew in front of me down the driveway. I was on the phone with a friend at the time (trying to stop myself from passing out) and I immediately started sobbing, but only because I knew it to be a good sign. Everything passed as it should, as soon as I was home and my body was supported.
I felt so sad and lonely after the miscarriage. I had this being that had been accompanying me everywhere for the last 2 months and now it was gone. I remember telling a friend that week how deeply sad I was. I had only felt sadness that deep when my mother died. On Easter weekend, I buried the fetal remains in the woods where I live. It was very difficult, more than I had thought. I had felt a definite connection to that baby and was amazed that I actually created something with a beating heart. I had been told before I got pregnant that my body knows when something is not quite right and miscarriage is its way of getting rid of something that is not viable. I tried to hold onto that.
My body (and mind) seemed to recover fairly well from the miscarriage. I started charting again and the fertility monitor told me I was ready again at the end of May. I had debated whether or not to go with the same donor but figured I was receptive to him the first time, might as well try with him again. I also tried searching for others but got frustrated because I couldn't find the "right one." I was also debating whether or not to start in May. I wasn’t sure my body was truly ready, but figured, “why not?” I ordered 2 vials. It didn’t work in May or June. I ordered 2 more vials. Neither of those worked either. Then the donor became unavailable. I was really sad at first, but I realized it was probably a good idea for me to switch anyway.
The good news is, I found a new donor and went on to conceive again the next cycle. It was tough to continue to stay positive and optimistic until I had my first appointment but I am currently 14 weeks pregnant and everything seems to be going well. I asked for permission to access this donor specific forum because of the connection I feel to that baby of my first pregnancy. I am thankful though for my experiences of the past and excited for my adventures of the future!
I finally made an appointment with the fertility clinic in September 2009. I was 36 at the time. I spent a month doing the fertility testing they suggested (not all, because I knew I did not have a fertility problem; my only problem was lack of free, fresh sperm). I had been charting my BBT and cervical fluid for close to a year at that point and had used a (borrowed) fertility monitor for a few months and everything seemed OK. I also started doing acupuncture that summer. I had blood tests done throughout my cycle that month and an ultrasound to check my ovarian reserve. (I refused anything having to do with Clomid!) Nothing revealed any evidence why I shouldn’t go forward. So I picked out my donor. It was really pretty easy to find. I picked an identity release donor who has similar characteristics as me (except I wanted a thin donor to give my child a genetic chance to maybe be thin). This one seemed to be perfect. I ordered 2 vials and was ready to go.
In October, my fertility monitor did not give me a peak reading, which had me puzzled and disappointed. In November, I had a peak reading and went in for my first IUI. Unfortunately it didn’t work that time. In December, I tried again and it worked! I was so excited and proud! I had turned 37 in November. I had an early ultrasound and they were concerned about the heart rate; it was too low. I refused any other ultrasounds beyond that because I just wanted to enjoy being pregnant, even if it wasn’t going to last. I miscarried Saturday February 20th, 2010; I was 10 weeks along. I was actually at a friend’s house 2 hours away. I woke up with bleeding, tried to will it away, which didn’t work so I drove the 2 hours home! Stupid maybe, but I knew I only wanted to be home if this was going to happen. My friend who I was visiting just had to put her cat down and she was an emotional wreck and her mother who was visiting was not a warm fuzzy sort of person. I really believe in signs and as I pulled into my driveway, a red tail hawk flew in front of me down the driveway. I was on the phone with a friend at the time (trying to stop myself from passing out) and I immediately started sobbing, but only because I knew it to be a good sign. Everything passed as it should, as soon as I was home and my body was supported.
I felt so sad and lonely after the miscarriage. I had this being that had been accompanying me everywhere for the last 2 months and now it was gone. I remember telling a friend that week how deeply sad I was. I had only felt sadness that deep when my mother died. On Easter weekend, I buried the fetal remains in the woods where I live. It was very difficult, more than I had thought. I had felt a definite connection to that baby and was amazed that I actually created something with a beating heart. I had been told before I got pregnant that my body knows when something is not quite right and miscarriage is its way of getting rid of something that is not viable. I tried to hold onto that.
My body (and mind) seemed to recover fairly well from the miscarriage. I started charting again and the fertility monitor told me I was ready again at the end of May. I had debated whether or not to go with the same donor but figured I was receptive to him the first time, might as well try with him again. I also tried searching for others but got frustrated because I couldn't find the "right one." I was also debating whether or not to start in May. I wasn’t sure my body was truly ready, but figured, “why not?” I ordered 2 vials. It didn’t work in May or June. I ordered 2 more vials. Neither of those worked either. Then the donor became unavailable. I was really sad at first, but I realized it was probably a good idea for me to switch anyway.
The good news is, I found a new donor and went on to conceive again the next cycle. It was tough to continue to stay positive and optimistic until I had my first appointment but I am currently 14 weeks pregnant and everything seems to be going well. I asked for permission to access this donor specific forum because of the connection I feel to that baby of my first pregnancy. I am thankful though for my experiences of the past and excited for my adventures of the future!