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Re: Welcome Single Mothers

jrosejrose Junior Member
HI I am hoping to find others that either are or were in my situation. I am a single 33 year old. I have a 9 year old son from a relationship I was in. His father is very involved in his life and he goes there every weekend. I have always wanted more children but have put it on hold to go back to school and get finacially secure. I have dated here and there over the years however I have not really made it a priority. A year and a half ago I started looking into adoption thinking there are so many unwanted children out there. However that process for a single woman with no fertility issues is not easy. In March I decided to look into the process of me having a baby on my own. I have gone to Shady Grove Fertility Clinic and met with a doctor, undergone all the testing the only thing I have left to do is to pick the donor. I am very excited about this process, my family is very supportive and I am finally in a place where I can afford it. I keep asking myself if I am being selfish doing it this way? Will my child grow up and be upset that I chose this path? How will my child feel when my son goes to his fathers for the weekend? I would love someone to talk about these questions/concerns.

Thanks :)

Comments

  • sander35sander35 Junior Member
    Hi jrose -

    I understand your concerns completely. I also wondered if I was being selfish by choosing to bring a child into this world without a father. My son is now 15 months old. It was the best decision and gift I could have received. He's still too young to ask about his father. I don't know how I will feel when I have to answer the question.

    I'm guessing when your son goes to stay with his dad, your child may feel left out or wonder why he/she can't see their dad. Those times may provide you with an opportunity to do something extra special with your child. I believe strongly in creating family rituals; things that children will remember and that will carry special meaning throughout their lives. You can create some special ritual that your child will come to love and cherish.

    I often think about how my child will feel in school when all his friends are making cards for father's day. Will he feel angry or sad that he does not have a relationship with his donor father? I don't know the answers to these complex questions. All we can do is love our children and ensure they have a happy and healthy childhood.

    You sound like a caring and loving mom. I wish you the best with whatever decision you make!
  • staceygirardstaceygirard Junior Member
    I too have a child from a previous relationship. She and my donor child, also a girl are 4 years apart. The eldest is 6 my youngest 2. The older one sees her father often, and when my youngest was born, I had the same concerns as you. I take things one day at a time, and my brother has been so helpful in being a male role model for my youngest that I hope as she grows she'll be able to feel the love that is there, and not wonder if there is anything missing. I hope that acceptance guides her, and that when she is able to contact her donor, it will be out of interest rather than despiration. My older daugther has questions that I try to answer as openly as possible, with much positivity and love. Perhaps with someone else to relate to about this we'll all find our way.
  • anpanp Junior Member
    Hi. I am a 37 yr. old woman wanting to have a child on her on. Never married, not dating, well educated. Looking for some direction on how to start. I have so many questions. Where do I go to see if able to have a child? :) Any suggestions, etc.
  • latebloomerlatebloomer Senior Member Senior Member
    Hi ANP,

    I'd start with your OB and let her know your interests and she will either start the testing or refer you to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist). Mine sent me to an RE who has done extensive research in fertility so I felt really comfortable with her. My first visit I had to fill out a health questionnaire that basically asked everything from when did you first start your period to have you been trying with no luck.Then we did an interview based on how I answered all the questions and we started the testing from there. After all my bloodwork I had an HSG to make sure I had no blocked tubes so after all that all of my results were favorable so I went ahead with the IUI process. It took me 3 tries but I did it! I'm 5W5d today! (I'm 39 BTW)

    You can also read the posts under share your story>how I ended up on the road to being a single mom. It has some really good stories out there and there are tons of supportive people here. Once you get with the right doctor I would make sure you tell them everything (even if you've never told anyone certain things) and ask as many questions as you can think of.

    Feel free to send me a private message if I can help you in any other way! Best of luck to you!
  • robinrobin Senior Member Senior Member
    Dear Anp,
    When I asked my OB, she didn't have any suggestions. So I did some research on my own and found my reproductive endroconologist online. I made an appointment and went from there. The first meeting with my RE went great. I felt really comfortable with him and he had a great personailty as well as being willing to explain everything to me. My appointment was the same as latebloomers lots of questions and lots of tests that were scheduled. I think it is important to feel comfortable with the doctor, so if you need to shop around. You can also ask for info on docs in your area on forums like this one or the many other sites out there. It helps if you know someone. You would be amazed at how many women have thought about this very same thing and have actually done it! After I decided to go down this path, I have talked to many others who know someone who has done the same thing. My family and friends are very supportive and I have been able to talk to someone who is having fertility treatments herself. She is married but understands everything that I am doing because she has done the same thing. I to just turned 37. I have had all the tests, all that I still have works well. I only have 1 ovary as the other was removed this fall due to endometriosis! I have done 2 rounds of IUI and am currently in my 2ww, I get to test on the 24th, I can't wait! The 2ww really is the worst part of the journey because it is a lot of hope prayers, excitement and anxiety. The first 2ww I drove myself crazy. This time, I am much more relaxed and trying to remind myself that it will happen when it is supposed to. That has really helped and I am a lot less anxious. This forum can be a great source of support and hope. It helps to hear that there are others out there that are going through and thinking the same thing. there are a lot of good books out there that you can read. Check out the thread that talks about books for the titles. As part of the process at my RE's, I had to have an assessment by a counselor. This assessment was very informative and reaffirmed my decision that I really had thought about everything and was prepared mentally to do this. She also gave me a listing of books that could be beneficial. If you have any other specific questions feel free to ask. I would be glad to offer help and support in any way that I can.Good Luck on your journey!

    Robin
  • toolmakertoolmaker Junior Member
    sander35 wrote:
    Hi jrose -

    I often think about how my child will feel in school when all his friends are making cards for father's day. Will he feel angry or sad that he does not have a relationship with his donor father?

    Hi jrose,

    I was raised by a single mother and wanted to share a story with you. My parents divorced when I was quite young and my father not a part of my life because of an addiction problem. When father's day rolled around at school, I always made a card for my mother. She was, after all, my mother AND my father. She did all the repairs needed around the house, paid the bills, made the meals, she was everything so she deserved the credit for it. To this day I still give her a card for father's day (the card stores actually have a card for mom's on father's day which I think is great). Because I was so young when my parents divorced, I didn't know any different. I also wasn't sad or angry that other kids had a father and I didn't because it was the norm for me to just have my mom and brother.

    I have just started the process of tests to become a SMBC. I was raised by one and I know that it can be done. I have basically planned for this my entire life. I never had the fantasy of getting married, I just had the dream to become a mother. I plan on being completely open with my child about how I had so much love to give that I chose to have them through this very special process, how I chose the absolute best possible candidate to help me create the most wonderful gift that life could give and I will let them know that their donor father was a truly amazing person to be so generous as to want to help out another human being fulfill their life's biggest dream.

    It's going to be a long hard road to do it all on your own but how great will it feel to see your child succeed in life and know that you are the sole reason why they are where they are. I wish everyone the best of luck with their decisions. I plan to start IUI in April of 2012.
  • smilingeyessmilingeyes Junior Member Junior Member
    Hi jrose,

    Thanks for sharing. My parents were also divorced and I hadn't found the right partner for myself so when I was 35 I started looking into and planning to become a single mom. I did alot of research, journaling, and planning (physically, financially, emotionally, spiritually) and then started the process at 38. I became pregnant after 7 rounds of artificial insemination and 4 rounds of IVF and have a BEAUTIFUL daughter who is now almost 10 months old through Fairfaxcryo. I am LOVING being a mom, she is the BEST thing to ever happen to me and I highly recommend it! I am grateful for every moment with her. Best wishes to you and all those contemplating this. It truly is a miracle!

    Many blessings! Smilingeyes
    PS - I don't know how old you are, but for many women it takes longer than you think and may require many rounds. The earlier you start the better.
  • bluesky10bluesky10 Senior Member Senior Member
    When I started this process I was in a relationship. My daughter is now almost 11 weeks old. When she was only about a month ago my partner decided she wanted nothing to do with her. So now I am a single mother, not by choice but none the less. Is this what I planned........no. Do I feel I failed her......yes.........However I wouldnt change a thing and love her to death. I have no doubt someday I will have another, even if its on my own.

    I say go for it!
  • hopefulcharhopefulchar Senior Member Senior Member
    Bluesky

    I am really sorry to hear about your relationship. Life is really funny how it works. I wish you and your precious little girl a happy new year :)
  • sghousghou Junior Member Junior Member
    toolmaker,

    thank you so much for your post! i am struggling with guilt over bringing beautiful twins into this world without a father. your post made me feel better. it's great to know that there are children of single mother's out there who can appreciate the sacrifices their mother's make/made every day. how wonderful that you recognized that your own mother was both a mother and father to you. thank you to all who post such positive comments!
  • ButterflyButterfly Member Member
    hi anp. I am single and 40 and am wanting a baby. i thought about adoption for a "second" but decided that if i want a child, i would want to go through the process of being pregnant (which i think is beautiful) and birthing. I can feel my clock ticking and don't want to wait for that perfect man to come along anymore (gees i am so picky). because it may never happen or happen much later. So i recently started researching about sperm banks. A friend of mine and i have somewhat discussed him being a donor, which i am considering, but i am on the fence whether i want to go with his or sperm bank. I have concerns about both.

    But as far as where you go? just talk to your primary dr and she or he should refer to an obgyn, hopefully that they really know and trust. My doctor referred me last week and I have an appointment with an obgyn next week. Im so excited.
    just talk to your primary dr and she or he should refer to an obgyn, hopefully that they really know and trust.
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