Single mother--donor of different ethnic background?

ThinkinginDC

I am a single woman trying to narrow down my donor selection. I do not have a partner that I am trying to find similar characteristics to match, so I have been more focused on finding a donor that I really connect with. The donor I like best is of a different race. I am trying to determine if this difference might exacerbate the questions that my potential child might have to the point that I should stick to choosing a Caucasian donor. Does anyone else have any experience with a similar situation? Thanks for any feedback you can provide.

NYCMom

Honestly I probably wouldn't choose to do anything that will cause more questions/make your child feel any more different (my daughter has two moms, I know she will be different than most of her peers in that aspect). Most people will probably just assume your child's father is just not in his/her life and leave it at that but being a different racial mix than you will bring up more inquiries from his/her peers and other adults you will meet most likely than if he/she looks racially the same as you.
That being said... if this donor really clicks with you and you think this is "the one" then you should trust your instincts!

brandy

I'd have to disagree...both interracial families and single-by-choice parenting are becoming more and more common these days. Unless you plan to live somewhere where that's still very uncommon, I think the issue of having a different skin tone/eye shape/hair texture from you will be small fries compared to the "why don't I have a daddy" question (I am SO not looking forward to that part).
That said, after I weeded out the various medical and other issues that concerned me, all I was left with was caucasian donors, so it was an easy call for me.

bluesky10

When I was searching I was specifically looking for a African American donor, my bank didnt have any. But I picked a Latino, fairly dark donor. Ended up with a very white child, however she has a brother who is half black, and hopefully soon another sibling that is from the same donor as her.

moewhit

Hi ladies!
I'm going to be a single mother by choice and found it very challenging to find any Black donors. Unfortunately the pickings are slim both in reality and the major sperm banks! However I'm open-minded both when it comes to dating and now choosing a donor. So this wasn't a deal breaker. I looked at all the qualities such as health history, personality/temperment, physical stature, and several other characteristics which allowed me to make a selection that would be a great fit if I was seeking a partner. So with that said, my child(ren) will be multiracial (Swiss/German/Cezch+ me Nigerian) and loved exactly the SAME, questions and all!
I was slightly disturbed by one of the posts that described not wanting people to ask too many questions especially being non- traditional from the start. Fortunately I was raised by two strong parents (married 50 yrs) and they educated and nurtured me to be strong and be my own person. It's just not in my character to worry "what will people think?". I'm going to do my best to make sure my children are comfortable in their skin and allow them to explore all aspects of their heritage. I welcome the questions as a teaching moment! Open your minds people! There's a mixture of races, this isn't any new revelation.

Good luck to all on this journey!
M

CTT

Hi Moewitt,

It was so nice to read your response. I am aslo African American and I cannot find any black sperm that clicks. I have decided on a mixed sperm which I am happy with.

moewhit

Hi CTT! So nice to know I'm not alone in this experience. Where are you in this process? Are you taking ovulation meds? IUI or AVF? What made you finally move forward?
Good luck!

Mealone

Hello Moewitt,

I loved your response. Thanks for being so open minded. I just selected my donor today...and yes, I am heading for a bi-racial baby. I am from Ghana and I wish you all the best.

hopeful

Well it appears that there are several of us in a similar situation I also am African American, single mother by choice and I had a hard time finding a Black donor with whom I "clicked". I wound up choosing a Caucasian donor so if pregnancy is achieved with this donor, I will have a bi-racial child. I am very happy with my choice and I am sure you will be happy with your choices as well. I wish you all the best of luck!

bluesky10

Well if my pregnancy sticks I am white and the donor was Latino. If it don’t the sperm I have in storage is mixed African American and Caucasian.

septembercookie

My cousin used a caucasion donor and she is very dark african american. She has had issues of people refering to het as the babysitter and saying other things she considers rude because her child is very very light. If you have a racially mixed group of friends and your family and friends are supportive then you will do fine. If not I think it would be best for you to choose a donor of similar race. Unfortunately ignorance still exists so if you can handle it go for it.