Hello and welcome to the Fairfax Cryobank Family Forum!
The forum has a new look and the Fairfax Team is so excited to create the best experience for our users.
To Note:
Private Donor Groups and Private Sibling Connection Groups are now located under the category "Groups". Search the donor number in the search box and you should find exactly what you're looking for!
Questions about your forum access? Email forum@fairfaxcryobank.com
Follow these steps to join a private donor group:
1) Press "Join" at the right of the group
2) Once prompted to confirm your request please list this information so we can verify your information:
Name (under which the vial was purchased)
Email
Clinic Name
Donor number
Child Date of Birth
*If you are looking to start a private group for a PRS donor please email forum@fairfaxcryobank.com with the above information and that you are looking for a PRS group*
If you have any questions about the verification process please email forum@fairfaxcryobank.com
The forum has a new look and the Fairfax Team is so excited to create the best experience for our users.
To Note:
Private Donor Groups and Private Sibling Connection Groups are now located under the category "Groups". Search the donor number in the search box and you should find exactly what you're looking for!
Questions about your forum access? Email forum@fairfaxcryobank.com
Follow these steps to join a private donor group:
1) Press "Join" at the right of the group
2) Once prompted to confirm your request please list this information so we can verify your information:
Name (under which the vial was purchased)
Clinic Name
Donor number
Child Date of Birth
*If you are looking to start a private group for a PRS donor please email forum@fairfaxcryobank.com with the above information and that you are looking for a PRS group*
If you have any questions about the verification process please email forum@fairfaxcryobank.com
How I ended up on the road of Single Mom by Choice!
Radarsmom
Junior Member
We here are all single mothers by choice, but I'd love to hear how some of you ended up on this road. My story is as follows...
Most people who hear I'm a single mother by choice at the age of 40 assume that it must have been a plan. But my life has rarely been lived according to a plan, since my plans never seem to work out. Married with children was a plan that ended in divorce at the age of 31 – with no children. I spent nearly the next decade selfishly single and just took opportunities as they came. I swam around Manhattan, did an Ironman triathlon, moved to a Caribbean island and traveled through most of Latin America.
“No plan” was working out pretty well for me. So when, at the age of 39, I started dating a 47 year old guy who had never been married or had children, I thought I’d roll with it once again. We weren’t in love – but when you’re 39 and 47, relationships, even pretty casual dating ones, often come with sex. And when the topic of birth control was broached, I said something like, “hey, I’m 39 and I wouldn’t mind getting knocked up.” So I left it up to him and he bit! Low and behold, in the second month of intimacy, I was pregnant for the first time in my life. Maybe it was time to start planning.
Or not. That young relationship ended with my first trimester of pregnancy and I was on a road toward single motherhood – and happily so. I had never given it much thought, but I suppose that the idea of single motherhood never frightened me and I never felt that I wouldn’t be up to it. I just never thought that I’d specifically choose it. But it wasn’t a choice – I had landed on this road and was as happy as could be. I was going to be a mother. I loved my baby as if 39 years of pent up burning desire to be a mother had been unleashed. Now it was certainly time to start planning.
Or not. At my 18 week ultrasound the doctor found some troubling markers. At 20 weeks gestation, I got the results of my amniocentesis and my precious, wanted, beloved little boy was diagnosed with trisomy 18. The textbooks call that one “incompatible with life.” The babies who do live to be born alive, live very short lives of struggle. My baby had an omphalocele (part of his belly and intestines on his outside). In October of 2007, with a shattered heart, I said goodbye to my first son.
So there I was… knocking on the door to 40. No partner. No baby. Screw planning! I was running on instinct and adrenalin. My first call to the fertility clinic was in November of 2007. My first visit to the clinic was in December. My test cycle started in February. My first insemination was in March. My second round of IUI was on April 6th and 7th of 2008. I turned 40 on April 10th. And low and behold, in the second month of “intimacy” (with a syringe), I was pregnant for the second time in my life. My healthy, beautiful second son was born in December of 2008.
Single mother by choice at the age of 42 – that’s where I am and that’s how I got here. Of all the punches that I’ve rolled with in this life, none has turned out so wonderfully as my rushed choice to be a single mother at 40. I have a healthy, smart, handsome and funny 21 month old son who is my everything. I give passing thoughts to how I’ll tell him his story. I have moments of anxiety about him not having enough male role models. But mostly I just go from one day to the next, loving my son and trying to be the best mother I can be to him. Maybe it’s time to give this “planning” business another shot?
Nah!
I'd love to hear your stories!
Most people who hear I'm a single mother by choice at the age of 40 assume that it must have been a plan. But my life has rarely been lived according to a plan, since my plans never seem to work out. Married with children was a plan that ended in divorce at the age of 31 – with no children. I spent nearly the next decade selfishly single and just took opportunities as they came. I swam around Manhattan, did an Ironman triathlon, moved to a Caribbean island and traveled through most of Latin America.
“No plan” was working out pretty well for me. So when, at the age of 39, I started dating a 47 year old guy who had never been married or had children, I thought I’d roll with it once again. We weren’t in love – but when you’re 39 and 47, relationships, even pretty casual dating ones, often come with sex. And when the topic of birth control was broached, I said something like, “hey, I’m 39 and I wouldn’t mind getting knocked up.” So I left it up to him and he bit! Low and behold, in the second month of intimacy, I was pregnant for the first time in my life. Maybe it was time to start planning.
Or not. That young relationship ended with my first trimester of pregnancy and I was on a road toward single motherhood – and happily so. I had never given it much thought, but I suppose that the idea of single motherhood never frightened me and I never felt that I wouldn’t be up to it. I just never thought that I’d specifically choose it. But it wasn’t a choice – I had landed on this road and was as happy as could be. I was going to be a mother. I loved my baby as if 39 years of pent up burning desire to be a mother had been unleashed. Now it was certainly time to start planning.
Or not. At my 18 week ultrasound the doctor found some troubling markers. At 20 weeks gestation, I got the results of my amniocentesis and my precious, wanted, beloved little boy was diagnosed with trisomy 18. The textbooks call that one “incompatible with life.” The babies who do live to be born alive, live very short lives of struggle. My baby had an omphalocele (part of his belly and intestines on his outside). In October of 2007, with a shattered heart, I said goodbye to my first son.
So there I was… knocking on the door to 40. No partner. No baby. Screw planning! I was running on instinct and adrenalin. My first call to the fertility clinic was in November of 2007. My first visit to the clinic was in December. My test cycle started in February. My first insemination was in March. My second round of IUI was on April 6th and 7th of 2008. I turned 40 on April 10th. And low and behold, in the second month of “intimacy” (with a syringe), I was pregnant for the second time in my life. My healthy, beautiful second son was born in December of 2008.
Single mother by choice at the age of 42 – that’s where I am and that’s how I got here. Of all the punches that I’ve rolled with in this life, none has turned out so wonderfully as my rushed choice to be a single mother at 40. I have a healthy, smart, handsome and funny 21 month old son who is my everything. I give passing thoughts to how I’ll tell him his story. I have moments of anxiety about him not having enough male role models. But mostly I just go from one day to the next, loving my son and trying to be the best mother I can be to him. Maybe it’s time to give this “planning” business another shot?
Nah!
I'd love to hear your stories!
Comments
Me
For some of us the call to motherhood comes later, perhaps we grow a "patience bone" a bit later in life? I definately wasn't ready before now! But wow I cannot wait. good luck to all on their journey.
I'm military, so for the past 15 years, I've been moving every couple years (sometimes more frequently) and spending a LOT of time overseas. Lots of people make it work, but overall, it's not the easiest way to establish a long-term relationship...especially for a woman (American men aren't nearly as likely to drop everything to follow a woman and her career around the world!). I've found love a few times, but there was always something that just wasn't quite enough to build a lifetime on. In my early 20s, I had no interest in having children (nor was I anywhere near mature enough!). In my late 20s, I gradually changed my mind and started thinking that not only would I like to, I'd go ahead and do it on my own if I didn't find the right man to create a family with. In my 30s, that was still an idea floating around in the back of my mind, getting closer to the front over time. Last year was just the perfect storm -- I felt ready (professionally and personally), I started feeling like this little person that had been patiently waiting for me to be ready wasn't being so patient anymore, I turned 35, and I discovered how drastically the average woman's fertility drops at 35. I made an appointment for a consult, and did a few pre-tests to make sure there weren't any physical obstacles to getting pregnant (having never tried before, I figured it made more sense than trying unsuccessfully for months and then going back and looking for problems). Then everything got put on pause by a 6-month stint in Iraq...while I love my job, that was my longest deployment EVER. All I could do was plan...so by the end of that tour, I had picked out my donor, read a ton of baby books & magazines, and built a baby shopping list on Amazon.com that was 5 pages long!
I came home in early Jan this year, and everything could not have worked out more perfectly. I had my IUI on 1 Feb, and it took, and now I'm expecting my amazing baby girl towards the latter half of Oct. I feel so incredibly lucky that it went so well, and that I've enjoyed my pregnancy so much. Other than morning sickness and fatigue that "complete and utter exhaustion" doesn't even BEGIN to describe during the first trimester, it's been smooth sailing. Now I'm in the final stretch, and just trying to get everything ready for my little girl when she makes her grand entrance. I'm incredibly excited about it, but I do think I will miss feeling her moving around inside me, and knowing she's always there, safe and sound.
I worry about her...but there are plenty of people who were raised without one parent or the other for many reasons, and it works out just fine. I'm also very lucky in that my aunt (who is my age) and uncle had a daughter through a donor egg IVF, and we all plan on being very open about it. I think it's great that both girls will have a close cousin (when I retire, I'll be living near them, and I'm hoping to be stationed near them soon) who also had a non-traditional conception, so it will hopefully feel a little more normal. I also hold out hope that I'll still meet Mr. Right...so she may yet end up with a father. In the meantime, it'll just have to be a conscious effort on my part to expose her to good male role models.
I really don't like the term "Single Mother by Choice" because it was not really my choice, rather a "last resort" kind of decision.
I'm a former All American long distance runner and well you can say that athletics pretty much ruled my life, leaving me with little social time. I started dating on-line and well that was a HUGE MISTAKE!!
I made a pact with myself that if I was still single at age 36 than I would start the TTC process with a donor. As a result, I now have a beautiful 3 yr old daughter.
After my daughter turned 1.5 yrs, I decided to TTC again because I would really like for my daughter to have a sibling. After my 40th birthday, I gave birth to boy/girl twins!! Now my daughter has a brother & sister!!
Now as a single mom, I'm happily very busy with 1 yr old twins & a 3 yr old! Ha! Yes, you could say that I'm definitely a very busy momma! Fortunately, I'm a big planner/organizer which makes it a bit easier. I LOVE LOVE being a mom, it has always been my dream, and now I'm a mom to 3 little ones! I still look at them and think, "Wow...they are really mine!"
I would love to get to know some of the SMC's out there! I live in the Northern Virginia area, and just a few miles from the Fairfax Cryo bank!
A suggestion to all…take a look at the web site http://www.donorsiblingregistry.com/ I joined it while pregnant. I have found 4 sisters and 2 brothers to my children. I have actually met face to face two families and spent some quality time with both of them. Its so much fun to look at those other children and see parts of my kids in them and get a better idea of what our donor looks like. So far I see cute button noses, auburn hair and blue eyes are a trait of all. So although I don’t have a husband our family has grown in a way I never dreamed.
Your story sounds very similiar to mine, I am 41 and single and just starting on this journey. But I have come to the conclusion that I am glad I am doing it on my own as I get to call all the shots and if it does not work out, then it just wasn't meant to be and I won't feel remorse for letting someone else down. I also have the added obstacle of finding a GS surrogate as I had to have my uterus removed 4 years ago. Best of luck to you!
I feel the same way....if it doesn't work out, then I will be glad that I at least tried....I would hate to always wonder about it. Thanks for your response. Makes me feel more supported knowing that there are more of us out there.
Radarsmom - Please look me up! I'd love to meet you & your beautiful little boy one day.
For those who mentioned you were in the military and overseas, I grew up a military brat in lived in Germany for 5 years. I will admit, living the military life is very hard! My parents split up while we were staioned overseas and it was beyond difficult for us kids.
I love being a mom, even though it can be quite challenging with a 3 yr old and 15 mo. old twins. I've taken care of my kids no help since day 1 and am loving every minute of it. I too, waited late in the game to TTC. I was pregnant with my 1st at 37 (gave birth age 38) and my twins at 39 (gave birth at 40 yrs old) The best thing that ever happened to me! I stll look at these 3 little people and think, "Wow, they are realy mine!" :P
You know you always think your the only one who can't find love and have a family. I knew from the beginning i wasn't going to be married. To many guy friends who always referred to me as the "best friend" and we don't want to mess up that relationship by dating each other. So from 21 until i was 29 almost 30 i spent my time traveling and i will never have any regrets about that decision i wanted to see other places and meet other people. I have a great set of friends from Canada to California and now they are the extended family for my twins.
So i decided that if i didn't meet anybody in the next year i was going to do it myself. I went through all the testing and ultrasounds, finding out that i stopped ovaluting and i needy to spend more money on a shot for my ovaluation to go with the clomid that i had to take and estregen patches. It was crazy! It took 2yrs because i was using my second job to pay for all of my testing and vials. They did come early on the 36th month and had to spend 2wks in the NICU but only because they were having a hard time learning how to feed from the bottle. They are great now and they will be 5 months old this month, my boy and girl.
I am glad that i did it. It is scary trying to take care of two little ones but it doesn't matter. I love them so much and i can't wait to take them on the rest of the journey through life and then let them take their journey. So your journey is just beginning or you are already on your way always remember its not just you their are a great deal of us out there doing the same thing.
Well, those are the basics of my story. By the way, if anyone is reading this and wondering about having a child so late in life, I would say that, from my experience, having a baby in one's fifties is no problem if you're healthy. I didn't have a single issue in pregnancy and nursing was fine. I don't have a single regret. But, I will say that physically...and I have a 'spirited child' who is very physically demonstrative and very smart...it is becoming harder and harder to handle. Being an only child of a single mother means that my son wants me to play with him most of the time and he likes to bounce and jump and all of those rambunctious little boy things so I wake up, most mornings, with every muscle in my body aching. A cup of coffee or three usually makes it all better, though. I'm soooo very glad I did it...and now I have to go lay down the law and get him into bed.........
So glad I joined this forum! I too never planned on this happening. Thought I would be married with children in my mid 20's, however things don't always work out that way! I am now 37 years old, single, and trying to become a mom. I started the process about a year ago now. Got pregnant through an IUI on my third attemp last March but ended shorly after in a miscarriage. I just had my 7th IUI in a row and praying that this will be the one! Trying to remain positive every month and believing that someday my dream will come true. Look forward to hearing more stories and connecting with others in the same situation.
I am 39 years old and am about to embark on this incredible fantastic scary journey. It has given me a lot of hope to read the other stories on this board. I am soon to be divorced due to the fact that my almost ex-husband does feel ready to have kids and I no longer have the luxury of time to wait. I will probably start the process in the next few months as right now I am working on getting into the best physical and mental shape that I can.
If anybody has any suggestions or comments please let me know.
Kat
I too are getting to my 40th birthday and have always hoped to find 'The one' and that hasn't happened for me. I guess mother nature or God has a way of getting somethings in front of us. Due to issues with endometriosis I had to have surgery last year, due to some tests that showed there were was a scare of 'cancer'. To eliminate that as a possibility surgery had to be done and grateful I didn't have it, instead the 'false positive' was due to severe case of endo. After post op dr. appt I was told to 'run' and not 'walk' to work on having a child if I wanted. So for me I think keeping hoping that I will find that person is what got me to this point. God has a way of letting us hear him loud and clear by hitting us with a brick. Kudos to all those who followed their wish when they got to mid-thirties great decision.
So now I am in this process, and have started looking for the donor and have had so many fears, that others have also expressed and shared here, and how they have overcome them. However, after reading people's stories I am so encouraged. So thanks alot!
Mr. Right never showed up. Mr. Wrong came along several times. But I always thought, this time, this date, this man, this month, this year, would have me finding the right guy, at the right time, and I'd have that healthy, happy, committed relationship with an intelligent, dedicated, caring man that is, in my humble opinion, the better way to start a family.
The final straw that broke the eternal part of my optimistic nature? A year of internet dating. Dispiriting to say the least. Followed by another birthday party as a single woman. I took an honest look at my life, realized I had the financial ability to raise a child on my own, and had that aha moment: I'd be sadder if I never had a child than I would be if I never found my soul mate. (But I haven't given up hope that my soul mate and I will eventually meet).
I'm having my first IUI this month. I'm still favoring the optimistic side of my personality, and just don't believe I'm going to have any problems getting pregnant. I'm grounded enough in reality to know that this may not be the case, and I may be writing six months from now that my optimism in conceiving and carrying a healthy baby to term was as unwarranted as my optimism that Mr. Right would show up, but I am embracing the optimism and am hoping to have a child by the end of 2011 or early 2012.
To all those on here who have yet to conceive, good luck to you as well!
So, keep up the optimism and have that baby (I got pregnant on my second IUI... crossing my fingers that you beat or tie me!) I'll bet that in a year, you'll be back here encouraging the next mommy to be with your own beautiful, optimistic story about what perfect choice you made to be a single mom by choice at 41!!!!
Good luck and come back soon!
Well, here I am today at a cryobank hoping that my dreams of having a child will come true and I am truly scared! My doctor has already advised me of the risks at my age and the possibilities of not having my dreams come true. I have been so devastated since last year with several fibriods taking over my womb. I had two surgeries back to back last year.
What keeps me going however, is HOPE! Never give up no matter what. The doctors may be good at science but it is only God that can make it happen for me. And with these thoughts firmly placed in my mind, I am hoping that all will go well. I just chose my donor on Thursday and I am now patiently waiting for my period to start and I will be seeing my doctor. In my case, he is not having me try clomid and all that as I have never attempted to be pregnant before and so we will start out with just the basis and hopefully, it shall go according to plan. Wishing you all the best of luck and I totally enjoyed reading your responses and some of the incredible feedbacks I have seen on other threads.