More than just the daddy question

trey7035

Not having a father for a child is more than just answering the Daddy question . As a single woman I am struggling with my desire to have a biological child. Using a donor would not only mean no present father for my child but in essence no father at all. My child would have zero access to huge part of their biological self and identity.
The first 3 yrs or so it would be a non issue . but as my child goes to school, watches family tv shows it would be hard. What about the first family tree assignment at school. Putting myself in my potential childs position I can see the difficulty in explaining this to friends , to a potential spouse. And how about grandkids with no grandfather info at all
. This is huge . I saw an Oprah show a few years back and teen/adult people born using sperm donors had issues. Its easy to think of the baby when planning pregnancy but they grow up up to be kids and adults. Denying my child something that I had by choice is hard. I do believe that healthy happy well adjusted kids can come from any family structure. But this is hard .

anybody know of any message board with moms of older children conceived by donors discuss and share info ?

Aimeemomof3

I really think it all boils down to how your potential child will be able to handle the disconnection of not knowing her full genetic background. With adoption, most likely the child has no connection.

I have met some donor offspring and they are well adjusted happy kids and have no desire to know or hear about their sperm/egg donor. Although, I'm sure there's a handful of offspring trying to search everything they can about their donors.

As for me having used an Anonymous donor, I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed that my kids will be OK and accept themselves for whom they are. They will always know that they were very much wanted & loved. They were not mistakes nor one night stands, that my decision was thought out hard & thoroughly.

heidibee

You will never know how your children will deal with/process being donor conceived. My son has two mommies and we are trying to prepare to deal with his questions and the issues he will face. Since he faces a lot of questions internally and externally, we just hope we create an environment he feels open to coming to us for help. Every family is different and I think it is love that makes a family not genes.

I have friend who got pregnant by her boyfriend and after the baby was born he disappeared. She has no contact with him anymore and they now just refer to his as the donor. Obviously the baby would have the possibilty of knowing his father. I have a best friend who is adopted and has not interest in ever finding her bio parents.

It is a very hard question and like most hard questions there is no one answer. You can just make the right one for you.

septembercookie

I think what would be worse for a child would be to have a daddy that they wish they didn't know, so I think it wont be too hard to answer the daddy question. So many families have diverse set ups these days that there will be many ways for your child to find a way to deal with any issues he or she may have. I'm sure there will be more talk shows, books and support groups for children in this situation, so I don't think you should worry or feel bad for making the choice to have a child with use of donor sperm.
My plan is to make sure my kid(s) always have access to a father figure. A person that they will be happy to relate to as a dad. I think that will help also. I know my dad and I have a step dad. I relate very will to my step dad and he feels more like my dad than my biological father. The relationship is what matters more than blood or titles.

Radarsmom

I've read in a few books that the "daddy question" and the "daddy issue" often cause much more anxiety for us moms than for our offspring. Everyone of us is brought into our family and our reality... that's the easy part... the much harder part is when that reality changes. So, if never knowing a dad is your reality, it might be a whole lot harder if mom tries to bring a dad into the picture when you're 5 or 6. If a plain old, run of the mill mom and dad family is your reality, then divorce is extremely stressful. I've known people who were adopted and when they had the chance to meet their biological parents, it simply gave answers to some things they had always been curious about, but it did not fulfill some piece that they felt was missing.

In all, and I haven't yet gotten to the daddy questions or daddy issues, but from everything I've read the most important thing is to make sure that your child knows that his story is unique and special. Everyone has a story and you just want to know your story is special. Thinking back to when I was a kid, I didn't much care about ancestors or anything like that, but I did want to know all the things that made me different from my brother or cousins and how those unique characteristics made me special. The way I figure - we all have issues as we grow up and if we've got lots of love and lots of support, then dealing with those issues is a whole lot easier. Good luck!!!

bridwelc

I was interested in reading the posts, as it starts earlier than you think. My daughter was 12 months old the first time she cried for Daddy, copying a daycare buddy. I was floored, and didn't respond well, which fed some of the anxiety. So I started telling her the story about the day she was born. She still doesn't get the concept at 5 1/2, and either tells people she doesn't have a Daddy, or he's dead. This year on father's day I asked her if she wanted to give something to her grandfather (who is a huge part of her life), and she replied, "Why? He's not my father?". But she seems to be pretty adjusted to it, and only struggles a bit when they do family trees. She wants to know why I haven't gotten married and found her a father. I think one of the websites was correct - I probably struggle with it more than she will as my father has been such a big part of my life, and hers. But we spend lots of time with friends and usually the dads will jump in with her as well. I've talked to donor moms with teenage sons - I'd love to talk to some with a teenage daughter to see if there are pitfalls to avoid. But I figure its not any tougher than explaining why Dad moved out to a child of a divorced couple. Anybody aware of any good information out there on the subject?

kadeebee

I think that although you may see and read the stories of people who are upset about being sperm donor kids, it may be partly because the kids in that situation who HAVE dealt successfully with the problem just don't feel the strong need to talk about it online, on TV, in a magazine article, etc. Perhaps you can learn from their negative situations, however, and understand what went wrong in order to try to avoid that happening with your own child. When I was contemplating this decision for myself, I realized that almost every one of my friends without exception had undergone some real trauma in their family sometime in their childhood that continued to affect them in some way even as adults. And yet, they had all adjusted to be pretty healthy emotionally because they had love in their lives. That's the most important foundation you can give your child.

Dawny89

My son is 3 years old and has papa, Uncles, and my boyfriend. His friends have dads, but when he looks confused over the issue, I remind him that even though he does not have a dad that he is my special boy. I've told my son since day one how he was conceived. I tell him the story at least once a week and remind him that even though he doesn't have a dad -- I list all family and extended family that does love us.