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The forum has a new look and the Fairfax Team is so excited to create the best experience for our users.
To Note:
Private Donor Groups and Private Sibling Connection Groups are now located under the category "Groups". Search the donor number in the search box and you should find exactly what you're looking for!
Questions about your forum access? Email forum@fairfaxcryobank.com
Follow these steps to join a private donor group:
1) Press "Join" at the right of the group
2) Once prompted to confirm your request please list this information so we can verify your information:
Name (under which the vial was purchased)
Clinic Name
Donor number
Child Date of Birth
*If you are looking to start a private group for a PRS donor please email forum@fairfaxcryobank.com with the above information and that you are looking for a PRS group*
If you have any questions about the verification process please email forum@fairfaxcryobank.com
Telling people
maria2
Senior Member Senior Member
I have so many questions....what do you tell people at work? Casual friends? I don't know what to say...obviously in the beginning, people won't know....but once I start showing, how do you break the news to people? My close friends know I'm doing the sperm donor route, but I don't know if I want to share it with everyone. Confused....
Also, what do you put on a birth certificate? Under the father's name?
Thanks everyone.
Also, what do you put on a birth certificate? Under the father's name?
Thanks everyone.
Comments
I was always determined that I would be honest with my son from the beginning. That means that when he overhears someone else asking about his father, I can't just let the question go... I always say that I'm a modern mom who was knocking on 40's door, wanted a baby and didn't have a partner, so I did it on my own. I have never had a negative reaction. People are very supportive and if they think it's the wrong thing to do, they keep it to themselves. I think that telling anyone who asks the truth from the very beginning is good practice. Believe, after the first few times, it gets a whole lot easier - especially when you see that most people are really open to the idea. Feel free to send me a private message if you want to chat more. My son turns 2 in December and choosing to be a single mom is far and away the very best decision I've ever made.
I really appreciate your reply. I think I'm just really nervous about saying it...but you're right, I think after the first few times, I"ll be ok. Thanks.
What do you put on a birth certificate? Leave it blank for the father?
Yep... it's just blank. Every state has their different policies and practices. I'm sure it would just a take a quick call to the records department to find out exactly what the certificate will read. Actually, super funny story with my son's birth certificate. I live in the Bahamas which has it's roots in British law. So they use some pretty archaic terms that you'd never really hear anymore in the States. So, on his birth certificate under my status, it reads "Spinster!" Made me feel like I was in a Jane Austen novel!!! It also made me laugh for a good 20 minutes... who cares what others think!
I don't check on this forum too often, but if you do want to chat more, please feel free to send me a personal message and I'd be happy to exchange e-mails, etc.
Good luck!
I love the "Spinster" title! In Kentucky I got asked three times by social services to name the father (including before I left the hospital) - so they would know who to go after if I filed for support! I explained it to the woman from social services, and just ignored the subsequent letters. After a couple of months they didn't bother me anymore, but it was pretty funny in the hospital room. Her birth certificate is blank.
I too from the beginning knew I would be up front with everyone, at work, at home, anywhere. My personal feelings are if you can't be honest about what you're doing and how you're doing it, it may not be the right decision. (not everyone feels that way and I would not judge anyone that feels differently, these are my personal feelings). I did however talk to my family and friends a few years before I really made the decision to do it. I guess I held out hope that I would find my prince charming before I had to really make my decision. Well, I'm not getting any younger and prince charming hasn't shown up yet, so I did it! I have an absolutely beautiful baby boy that's turning 1 in a few weeks and it is by far the best decision I've ever made. Just had his first bday party (a little early since most of the family is out of state and we were visiting) and there were over 60 people there! They all know how he came to be, everyone at my work knows, and anyone who will listen will know! I'm not shy about it and I want him to know how he came to be right from the beginning too! I've not had a single derrogitory comment, everyone has been more than supportive, excited really! I've also kept in the back of my mind that not everyone will agree with my decision, and that's ok too. That is 100% their right not to agree, but that did not stop me. But really, everyone has been very supportive. I actually plan to have another (full sibling of my son) in another couple of years (if prince charming still hasn't shown up). My son is soooooooooo happy!! My hope is that he grows up with the truth and that will make him a stronger person with an open mind and not be judgemental. Those are my hopes anyways! Good luck! I too am available to talk offline should you need to! Just let me know!
I was very worried about how I was going to deal with all the questions as well. I pretty much decided that everyone has their own opinions, and that the only opinion that mattered was my own. The majority of people have be very supportive. I get the occasional "you are such a brave woman to do this on your own" and "I am so proud of you to do this on your own" reply. When I was pregnant, I heard a few people talking about me at work. I'm not going to lie, it really upset me. But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what "they" think. I am so happy with the decision I made. My son just turned 1 in Jan. and I will be 40 this year. I was really running out of time, and I knew if I didn't do it when I did, I would have most likely missed my chance to have a child. I do wish that I had a husband and that my son had a father, but unfortunately, it didn't work out that way. I hope to one day have a father figure in my son's life. But even if I do, I plan on being completely honest with him from the beginning. I also have been in contact with a few of the parents of his half-siblings, so I hope that he will have the opportunity to get to know them. It will be important for him when he gets older to have someone to talk to that is in his position. I have to tell you that this has been the best decision of my life! I can't even imagine my life without my son. He is such a happy boy. I agree with everyone else's posts: be honest with everyone from the beginning!
Telling my family was the easy part. My father and brother immediately asked me, "Who's the father?!?!?" I answered very honestly and that was pretty much the end of their questions. My sisters and other female relatives were thrilled. Telling my friends was pretty easy too. Right now I'm seven months pregnant (with a little girl) and I held off on telling anyone at work until I could no longer hide the fact that I'm pregnant. Telling people at work was what I struggled with the most. Once I started showing, some people at work did not come right out and ask who the father is but I did get fishing questions like, "What will the baby's last name be?" Others at work came right out and asked. What I found most interesting was the ones who asked me outright about the father were men. I have not been asked by any woman about the father. To be quite honest I really don't care what people at work think. However, I didn't want to be topic of gossip over the water cooler. I think in some ways since this is not an everyday thing that occurs there will be some talk. I had to just accept that fact and keep in mind that after a while the talk and gossip will fade once it becomes old new.
When asked by co-workers, I was quite honest with people. I think if I said I got pregnant from a one night stand, their option would probably be different than if I answered the question honestly. The way I answered the question was to first say that the pregnancy was planned out carefully.... I went to a fertility specialist, took all the fertility test, was put on fertility drugs, etc. Then I informed them of my age (I'm 45). Then I went into what my available options were of becoming a mother given my age (adoption, foster care, sperm donation, etc.). After explaining about sperm donation I then ended it with, I can always find a husband later but I do not have an unlimited time period to become a mother.
What I had struggled with the most is exactly how will I explain it to my baby. I did some searches on line to see if anyone has made a post explaining exactly how they explained it to their child. What I pretty much found was people just saying they were honest with their child. Of course a mother will be honest with her child!!! Isn't that a given? After lots and lots of though on the matter I have finally figure out how I will explain it to my daughter and what I will say to her when the time is right. The way I plan on explaining it is tell her that since Mommy was not married and did not have a partner I chose to adopt sperm, so essentially she is 1/2 adopted on her biological father's side. I also will plan on explaining to her that a father is more than just a donor of sperm and because a man donated his sperm for me to adopt does not make him a "father" or a "daddy". A daddy/father/parent is a person who raises her, spends time with her, reads books to her, brings her to school, puts band aids on her boo-boos, laughs with her over good jokes, plays games with her, tucks her into bed, and does all the things that a parent does when raising a child. I will explain to her in a kind, gentle and loving way that the donor is just that, a donor --- someone who was kind enough to allow me to adopt sperm so that she could be brought into this world. When choosing a donor, I went with the ID option so that if she has a desire to know more about the donor she has that option. It's quite possible she may never care to find out more about the donor --- who knows, only time will tell.
I wish you all the best of luck. It’s comforting knowing that I am not alone in trying to figure out exactly how to tell people.
N
That's exactly how I feel! My immediate family is totally on board and my close friends...I haven't told my other friends because I want to wait until I'm actually pregnant. I'm proud of what I've done and have no shame in speaking about it. But I don't know why it's the work people that I'm most unsure of. Maybe because I don't share my personal life with them, so it feels odd to tell them something so personal. Your post is exactly what I read in a book about Single mothers...about being half adopted, etc. I've read a few books already so I feel more prepared to speak to people including my baby (hopefully I'm pregnant)....but still working on what I'll say to work people. I am 41 years, but feel like I'm a teen mom! LOL...Thanks for your post! I feel better knowing that you feel the same too! Thanks!!!
My sister in law is adopted and her parents always celebrated both birthdays and "adoption day" so she knew from day one that she was very special and that being adopted meant that she was picked. If/when (I have to say when or I'll cry!) I get pregnant, I'm considering doing something like celebrating both birthday and insemination day (will probably pick a different name) so that my baby will always know how very special they are and how I did everything I could to have them.
After reading the book, I have decided that the more comfortable I am with the circumstances, the more comfortable my child will be. I plan to be completely honest and forthcoming about the fact that I am using donor sperm to have a family. In this day and age of "alternative" families on the rise, I feel like this will be a bit more accepted than it was years ago. And a young child will pick up on a parent's discomfort very early. I want him/her to be proud that I did this on my own from step one. That I wanted to be his/her parent so badly, I opted to go it alone rather than wait for the elusive "Mr. Right"
Good luck to you!!
I am already a single mother (not by choice) of a 9yr old boy. I have been waiting to "do it the right way" ever since. I am now 32yrs old and dont even have a boyfriend for some reason I attract abusive or married men
So again I want to say Thank You.. I have found comfort in the testimonies of you all. It makes me feel better to know that I am not alone.
Jessica
You are not alone. I'm in a similar situation. There are no "perfect families". For the most part, they are just families that haven't broke up yet. I personally know few modern families who have stood the test of time...so don't let them make you feel guilty for completing your family the best way you can. My daughter has a useless good for nothing man as a father and I often wonder if she'd be better off with none at all. of course a mother and father who love and respect each other and their children is optimal but it is not essential to raising a happy, healthy child who will become a contributing member of society. My mother was also a single mother, not by choice, but she was and is a wonderful mother and woman who has sacrificed to provide my sister and myself with all the opportunities possible. I understand the issue with people at work though. The two women I work most closely with both have the "perfect family" . I have chosen not to tell them yet, not because I think they will judge me or disagree with my decision persay but because I would prefer for my job to not know about a possible pregnancy until I actually am pregnant and protected by law. I think I can trust them to keep my secret but who knows, never can be sure who to trust. In short, go with your gut. You are the one who has to live with your decisions. Coworkers come and go, but your family, or lack of a valued member, is forever. Good luck! Keep us up to date on your upcoming insemination...which donor did you choose?
Do not worry about what some coworkers think you need to do what is best for you and your child. I told a few of my coworkers and they are all for it but now I wish I hadn't! While they are supportive it is now hard to tell them that it has not worked yet. So I would caution telling lots of people just to save yourself the emotional rollercoaster when people ask. If I had it to do over I would have told less people. There will be those that are very against it and you just need to know that you are making the right decision for you and as far as this isn't the way God intended it, my belief is that God gave us the technology to do this so how can he not be for it! My best friends husband is completely against it and it has caused a rift in our relationship but it is something that I am just working through. His beliefs and thoughts are not mine and I know that this is the right decision for me. Good luck in your journey! Stay strong and don't let other people tell you what is best for you!
Robin