how to react when a friend's husband is totally against it?

robin

I have a dilemma that I am hoping some of you gals can help me with. Most everyone I have told has been VERY supportive. Most are female friends and family. They are just as excited as I am about the prospect of a baby. I am currently TTC. Just started the process 2 weeks ago and am amazed at how fast everything is going! Glad to know that everything is working so far and go next week for doctor's appointment regarding bloodwork. So this weekend I am having a party for friends to help me choose the donor. Everyone is excited. I have narrowed the search down to 4 and would like help in this decision. I want my friends and family to feel very connected to this baby from the very beginning.... and it is working my friends, mother and sister are sooo excited and are looking forward to the party. Obviously the final decision is mine but suggestions never hurt and I'm sure they will come up with questions I never thought of.

Well here is my dilemma. My best friend's husband is totally against what I am doing. He thinks what I am doing is immoral and he does not want her to be a part of the decision. What I am doing should be between a hisband and a wife. Actually he won't let her come. So the problem begins. I know not everyone will agree with my decision, I get that but how do I respond to him the next time I see him. Being the opinionated woman that I am, I want to respond right now. i know that is not a good idea and my response would be coming from a place of hurt and disappointment. Obviously my friend's relationship is not a healthy one and I know that. She knows that but is not willing to leave. So, I will be in contact with him again. she is my best friend and I really want her to be a part of this. becasue of his comments and his "decision" that she cannot come on saturday I now have more questions. How will he respond to the child? Will he treat him or her differently? We get together frequently to have his children and my niece's and nephews play. His kids call me auntie and I am the youngest's godmother. I am very hurt by what he is holding back from me and am just at a loss as to how to respond. Any suggestions??

Robin

tryinalone

What was her reaction before telling him?
I wish I couold help, but I am still working on one of my best freinds and mother!
I finally told a few people about my decision to try to concieve this way, this time last year. I tried iui three times unsuccessfully during the summer and decided to take a break and try again this summer (trying to time maternity leave:))
The few others I have told including my dad (the one I was really afraid of, lol), sisters, and other friends have been amazing and supportive. But my mom and one of my friends not so much. My mom tries to understand and loves the idea of a grandchild, just not the ..."procedure". My friend and I now have a very strained relationship becuase of her disapproval.
During the selection process last summer I felt very alone. But I will say that even with the let down of it not working for me so far, I am more confident than ever that this is the right decision for me, even if it takes some time for others to unersatnd and accept it. And if they don't
The party idea is awesome! Please tell me how it goes and what you do. Maybe I'll try that too

bluesky10

She has to be strong enough to stand up to her husband. You cant do anything about that.

That said you can change him. If you are ok with what you are doing then that is all that matters. He doesnt have a say in what you do with your life and he doenst have a right to push his beliefs on you. Cut your losses.

latebloomer

This is definitely a matter that brings out the best in some and the worst in others. My mother and best friend both couldn't be happier for me. I can say that I've had people I thought were pretty good friends turn into people I didn't recognize when I told them. At the end of the day you have to keep your focus on the fact that this is about you and what you want and not about them. They can have their opinion but that doesn't mean it matters. Don't feel guilty about your decision because you are probably like the rest of us and it took you a while to get to where you are with it. If she chooses to let him run her every decision just because they're married, she's the one who loses.

As far as running into him later, you don't owe him anything. He's apparently already ruining your friend's life because she's letting him, just don't let him do it to you:) Stand your ground and support your decision.

Good luck!

robin

Thanks for the advice. My friend's reaction was very positive and she is very excited at the prospect of being an aunt....it's just her husband that is the problem. For now I think that I am going to choose to see her with out him. I can't trust myself and what I would say. It's his loss not mine. Our friendship is still strong and i know that she is here to support me mentally and through the phone. i was very upset and hurt by his comments but after letting her know how I felt I am soo much better. I think I just needed to express my feelings to many different people. So thanks for listening and giving advice. I will definately let you know how the party goes. I am excited as are the friends and family invited!

tryinalone, i hope that you are able to find some people that are able to celebrate this with you and who you don't have to work on. I hope your friend can understand that it is your decision and she should just support you in that. I can't begin to imagine your hurt and disappointment in your friends reaction. I was so hurt just by her husbands reaction and my thought that she was going to listen to him. I had difficulty focusing at work becasue of the conversation early in the morning yesterday. Know that my thoughts and prayers are going out to you I will also send lots of baby dust your way so that you are successful in your attempts this summer

Latebloomer, I will definately not let HIM ruin my decision or my plans and I will absolutely stand up for myself. Funny that you mentioned that he is ruining her life becasue she said the same thing to me today. Maybe this issue will give her the courage that she needs to make a change in her life too!
Robin

robin

So I had my party last night and there was a great turn out! My best friend was able to come but only for a short period of time. Her husband read the texts between the two of us, of course he won't admit that but things that he said to her were in the texts and not said to him! I don't care because if he read what I said than great! It made it so that he felt guilty and told her that she could come. i know she shouldn't have had to have his permission but I don't care how it happened she was able to be there. So here's how the party went. I asked everyone to bring an appetizer to share that way the cost was less for me. I told them all that I needed to save my money for the sperm! They were all happy to bring something. I then had my laptop with wireless so that we could all be comfortable in the living room. I had narrowed my search down to 5 possible donors. I bought small poster boards and had them taped to the wall around the room. I put their numbers, degrees and interests on the boards. My friends asked for additional info such as height, weight and blood type before we began so all that was added to the respective boards. Then I began by going through all the info that I had (I purchased the three months of unlimited access) We started from the top and worked our way down. My sister wrote down important info on each donors board. We went through the same info for each donor before moving to the next category. After about two or three categories we had narrowed it down to two donors. the funny things is my friends narrowed it down to the two that I was really considering! boy how they know me. the thing is I was having a lot of difficulty deciding between the two. We listened to the audio interviews and looked at the baby pics and did the personal profiles. we had a great time and my friends had wonderful suggestions and questions. At the end we passed around ballots and all voted (yes even me! I know it's my choice but wanted to see what everyone had to say). So we came out with a winner by a landslide. It was 7 to 3. I took this as a sign that I was making the right choice because the donors number ends in 73 (I do believe in signs--works for me ) So tommorrow my plan is to call fairfax and order the sperm! My hope is that the first try will be with my next cycle in a few weeks. My friends were so excited to be a part of this with me and I think they helped me make the best decision as I was leaning towards the other donor until some of their questions and comments that I hadn't tought about! I had friends calling me today thanking me for inviting them and for allowing them to be a part of this. I have such great friends and a wonderful support system! My brother even came and participated, he was the only guy in a house full of 10 other women but he held his own and even seemed to enjoy himself. We started at 7 and probably had the choice around 10 but friends stayed until after midnight! We were having such a great time we didn't realize what time it was. So it was a great time and I am SO GLAD that I did it this way! I wouldn't have done it any other way! We took pictures and it will be the first pictures in the baby's scrap book. Thanks to all of you who sent your comments and support last week during this trying time! The week ended wonderfully!!

Robin