decisions decisions....

themorningskye

My partner have been together 2 years as of Sunday. We are engaged to marry and are excited to start a family soon after. We have been discussing starting a family and we are at a crossroad right now as far as the best choice and decisions that should be made. I do not know my father. My mother got pregnant and did not contact him and tell him that she was pregnant with me so he doesn't know about me and my mother will not give me any information about him. Because of this situation I want to be 100% honest and forthcoming with our children. I would prefer to use someone that we know so that if the child should choose to want to know information about the donor he/she can. I want my children to have answers if they ask questions. I want to know who the donor is so that I can give the child pictures or any information that they would want. My partner would prefer it to be an anonymous donor. She feels that us as our child's parents are enough and that it would be better if we use someone that we do not know, she feels as if she would be replaced as a parent. She also brought up the point that the donor may decide later that he would want a more active role in the child's life which would be confusing to the child. I was wondering if any of you have faced this same issue. Maybe you could offer some advice on the big decisions that are facing my partner and I and our new family. Thanks in advance for your help!

bluesky10

When my partner and I decided to have kids we had this same issue. I wanted a known donor she did not (she was carrying). Today we have a beautiful 2 year old, and I am almost 3 months pregnant from donor sperm. We used the same donor for both so they were at least partly related. I wanted to have a known donor for the same reasons you do. However, now that we have our daughter I am very glad we did not go with a known donor. We sometimes struggle with her and getting her to call me mom and that stuff, which in turn makes it a struggle for me. I couldnt imagine having another parent come in and take my place, and lose my child. She knows us both as her parents, but can tell from day care that she struggles with the dad thing. She does tend to call, at first, every male dad.

You could get an ID options donor. That way if the child wishes h/she could meet the donor once when they are 18, however that donor can never have any rights. It would be somewhat fair to both of you.

I will however suggest from personal experiance DO NOT start any of this process without an equal understanding and agreement about what will be done. It will only be a struggle and strain on your relationship.

heidibee

At first I wanted a known donor also but we ended up with donor sperm to have our son. I also wanted our child to be able to ask questions and get answers. But we could not get anyone to give up the goods. I have a blog friend who used a friend and she struggles everytime he is around which is only every three months. On the last visit he refered to himself as Daddy and she about came unglued. Each option has its pros and cons. Hopefully you can come together to make the right decision for your family.

hrockh

My partner and I agreed that we would use an anonymous donor for legal reasons. While it would be great for our son (now 2 1/2) to have an active father, I don't want anyone to rights to my child or to possibly take him away. My partner legally adopted him when he was 4 months old, so we are both now his mothers. It even says Parent 1 and Parent 2 on his birth certificate. I am mommy and she is mama. He is not confused about this at all. He doesn't call any men daddy, although I know he will want to know at some point. We have a picture of him in his scrapbook and all the information available about him. We will refer to him as his "father" not his "donor." We are greatful to his father for donating sperm, allowing us to have this amazing little boy. It is your decision, but be safe legally. A known donor has rights to the child like any father, unless he signs an agreement terminating parental rights. Good luck!

redolfin26

someone here posted that you should both in agreement before taking the next step and i think thats very wise...it seems as though you arent looking to have a "daddy" in the picture necessarily but want the child to at least have access to information at some point...i also think this is wise....i can see how your partner wants to be equally considered as the second parent...makes sense...i suggest then that you pick a donor that is "ID options" or whatever bank you use calls it when the donor is open to connection once the child is 18...then there is no threat of your partner feeling like extra parent...child is adult at that point and this connection can only add to their life if they chose even to pursue it...my partner and i chose an ID donor because we felt like taking that right away from her to have a connection with her other biological half down the road was not a choice fair for us to make...so when she is 18 the choice will be hers..in the meanwhile...we have made a very special connection on the donor sibling registry with one of her half siblings..he is 3 weeks younder than she is...we are meeting for the first time next weekend, for mothers day weekend, for being mothers is whats brought us together after all...we feel that her growing up knowing her brother is a gift we can give to her, we owe to her and thats its special and magical in many ways...i hope you find peace with whatever decision you make, but remember, when deciding your path, consider what is in the best interest of the child in addition to you and your partner...what would they want...good luck!
-jenny

josephine

My wife and I have just started trying. We also had some disagreement about going with a known vs. unknown donor. Eventually we decided to go with an ID option from the bank. It seemed like a happy medium. We decided that we would be making decisions for our baby his or her whole life and this was one that he could make for his/herself at 18. For what it's worth.