Pros and Cons of ID Option

lauraleigh

Three years ago (before miscarriage and market crash), it was very important to us that our child had the option of knowing the donor if he/she wanted. We didn't feel like it was our decision. Now, we are trying again and are against ID Option. Our own fears are the cause of our new opinion. The donor we are ordering has ID Option, which makes him $125 more expensive.

I'm torn on my feelings about ID Option. I would like to hear everyone's opinion and stories.

tillie

All of this stuff is so individual/personal, so I can only tell you my thinking. Right now, I am only choosing ID Option donors. My rationale for that is that if later on I have a kid by one of these donors and the kid that popped out ends up being super interested in knowing something more about or actually making contact with his/her donor - and I have read some kids/young adults/adults get really focused on this and it becomes very meaningful - I don't want to look my kid in the eyes and say "Well, I could have chosen that but I thought some other guy looked cuter or I liked another guy's height or I just didn't want to spend the $100 more." So that's where I'm at right now, even though I'm annoyed at the extra cost and at the way that it limits me and often am tempted to jump ship on my commitment. But I'm staying steady, just thinking about that conversation I referenced above. I have zero fears about the ID Option donor, in terms of having some mystery man possibly in the kid's life in some way, excepting only maybe if it is disappointing/rejecting/hurtful for the kid ultimately. But I want to give my kid that option. I have friends who thought this was not important to them and now that they have their kid and are looking into their toddlers eyes, they cannot believe that they didn't do this for him. So I took their thoughts into account to.

This is all just my personal opinion. Not to judge anyone's choice. We all can and are expected to have varying perspectives.

lauraleigh

Thanks for your response! I appreciate opinions from both sides!

Our donor had ID Option by default. Whether we like it or not, it's there.

babynumber2

I decided against ID option on my doctor's advice. Her reasoning was that just because the guy is willing to be ID option now, he might change his mind in 18 years. And, if my child were to be the 10th or 20th or 50th child to call him, he might even be less willing to communicate with them. My plan is to tell my child (if this all works) that he was conceived because someone very special was willing to give mommy the option to have a baby even though there wasn't a daddy in our lives (then).

sibemom

I too initially wanted to do an ID Option donor... but I am completely neurotic, so I compared EVERY SINGLE available donor that may my physical desires (Caucasian, at least 5'10) and weeded people out listening to their interviews, looking at their medical history, and checkout out their baby photos and profiles.

Long story short I had it narrowed down to 3 guys and the only remaining ID Options donor had some family health issues that I crossed him out as a result of.

Yes, it would truly be nice to give my child that option, however - keep in mind, that's 18 years from now. If the donor does not keep their information up to date with Fairfax the child will get the last known info. Sure they can still find them, but it isn't a guarantee that they'll be found. Plus, who knows what type of reaction they'd get. I did wonder how traumatizing finding "dad" would be if he was indifferent (who knows how many other kids would have previously introduced themselves) and chances are that meeting would never meet up to the kids' expectations/desires.

Ok, that probably sounds very negative, but those are the thoughts that made me feel 100% comfortable with my change of heart.

lauraleigh

babynumber2 wrote:

. And, if my child were to be the 10th or 20th or 50th child to call him, he might even be less willing to communicate with them.

Excellent point! That never crossed my mind!

redolfin26

we specifically chose a donor with ID options...we figured the xtra cost was only the price of a few nice dinners and that it was not our right to take away the possibility of our child one day connecting with the donor...no one can forsee the future but i hope he lives up to his intent if my child wants that info...we can live by what ifs but if we chose a NON ID options donor than fate is sealed...this way, with the options, there is just that...options and possibilities and not our right to make that final decision for another person

lauraleigh

redolfin26 wrote:

but if we chose a NON ID options donor than fate is sealed...this way, with the options, there is just that...options and possibilities

Also a great point!

Thanks ladies for your input!!!! I still do not know where my opinion lies. However, our beloved donor has turned out to not be the "one" due to ICI availability (our clinic insists on washing the sperm there). Therefore, we have a donor that we like even more who does not have the ID option. Whew! The decsion was made for us!