How do you deal with...

hopefulchar

My husband and I are unable to have biological children together because he doesnt produce sperm. He has been amazing though about moving past this setback and starting our journey towards parenthood. We both are excited to get pregnant no matter how we get there. I can usually deal with the fact that everybody around us seems to get pregnant so quickly and so easily. I am happy for my friends and family and have faith that it will happen for us soon too.

The problem i am now dealing with is a lot of our friends are now having babies and they all seem to say the same things after giving birth. "it such a miracle.. i love that our love made this baby" or "it such a miracle that this baby is half me and half him" These are phrases that make me crazy! I cant tell if i am just being sensitive. We chose to only tell immediate family what was going on so in their defense the friends that have said this have NO idea what we are going thru. I will say that it has made me very aware of what i say to people. Do any of you have similiar feelings?

Charlotte

Cmartin6706

I am a male who also doesn't produce sperm. My wife and I were aware of this before getting married, but since, at the time, my brother had agreed to be our sperm donor I felt okay about everything and I am now. When he married a woman who wasn't very supportive about my brother being the donor, we decided to go with this bank. In fact, we have already picked one, ordered, and the sperm is waiting for our first IUI at the end of this month!

I can tell you that I also have had the same feelings that do you. I think I'm stuck on the idea of two people making one person as a much more incredible idea then most people do which is probably likely because I can't have kids myself. I am blown away that life can be such a miracle, but I think I have embraced that idea in a larger philosophical way. This likely keeps me from feeling so upset about not being able to contribute to my kids DNA. On the other hand, part of me is still sadden by this fact.

Please don't forget that "your love" will make any youngsters that come of your union and, in fact, it takes a lot more love to be able to step over the problems of not being able to contribute sperm and to seek out solutions.

I have to tell you that part of me is happy that I don't produce sperm. I am learning that my lineage has nothing to do with my DNA. It has everything to do with how much I love my kids, what values and morals I instill in them and how we together parent. The fact that I am having to look through profiles to pick what donor I will use has me more carefully examining who I will be as a Dad and who I want to be. My parenting, like our ability to be parents, is going to be very deliberate and I don't think I would think of parenting the same way I do now if all I had to do was make love to my wife to have a baby.

On another note you might want to consider being more open about your family's need to use a donor. I realize that this is a very personal choice, but I can tell you that sharing my story with people I know freed me of the stress and feelings of unworthiness that comes with this shake to my manliness. I have not had one person look down on me. In fact, I think I have earned a lot of respect for my honest, clearly visible desire to be a Dad.

maui

I am in the same boat as you....and it seems like all my friends are pregnant right now as well (or have recently popped). It is a hard struggle emotionally to deal with jealousy and sadness when you are trying so hard to have a child. Just remember that people can say insensitive things when they are unaware of the situation you are in...you have to take it with a grain of salt, and come to a place where you can accept the situation you are in for what it is....although you may never have a child that is biological your and and your partner...it doesn't make that child any less a part of you. My husband and I are trying to be a positive a possible and even though we still have moments of sadness that we can't have a child of our own together we are looking forward to the day we get pregnant, because at the end of the day this will be my husband's child no matter the DNA

tinymouthwash

"Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a Dad." Both of my husband's significantly younger brothers are parents. Well, one has a 15-month-old and the other one's son is due next month. I've been really jealous thinking that their wives will know that their children are biologically related to their husbands and my child will not be. However, they are very young and recently married and the love that made their children has not really been tried and may not last. My husband and I have been married seven years and we have been through so many trying times together, including a separation and near-divorce. The love that has been required to make our child has so much meaning to us! It has brought us to the brink and back again and made us examine every aspect of ourselves. In my mind, our child will be a product of so much more love than one made from sex!

hopefulchar

So I had a really bad experience yesterday and was hoping for a little advice from you all. We went to my husband sisters yesterday for Xmas. She has a 6 month old who to be really honest with you I have only seen a couple of times. For some reason I love being around all other babies, just not her. I have come to accept that this is our path and that we will be great parents but being around this tiny little miracle that we will never get to experience breaks my heart My husband and his 4 siblings all look very much alike and the baby looks just like them. She is what i pictured my children to look like and its like a knife in my heart every time i see her. I know that it isnt fair to this sweet child. I couldnt bring myself to play with her or even hold her yesterday. It makes me feel like such a rotten person. So yesterday when we should have been so happy and so excited I was very sad. I even cried the entire way home from his sisters yesterday (a two hour drive no less)

So I am hoping that somebody has a little insight into what they do when faced with a similar situation. I could really use a little advice.

Charlotte

redolfin26

Charlotte,

in my completely un-professional advice: im sure that you not wanting to hold or play with the baby wasnt targeted specifically against that child but probably a culmination of stress of this time of year and your desire to have a family of your own and just being overwhelmed...dont let yesterday define you or your relationship with that child...i think how you were feeling and all the emotions were completely normal and be ok with that...its ok to be sad..try to take some post holiday relaxation time to de-stress...a massage maybe...day of beauty...weekend away with hubby? focus on your journey to parenthood...i wish you all the luck and love ..

dreamsabc123

Charlotte,
I can completly relate!! My sister has a son that is four and looks just like her with darker skin and brown hair and eyes and a baby girl that looks just like me!! The baby girl is five months old and if you look at her baby picture and mine, you cant tell us apart! She has red hair, pale skin and eyes that are my shade of blue and she even weighed what I did when I was born, I was a big fat baby! When her son was born I slept over her house to help and played with him and cuddled him and spent so much time with him. Now that I'm in my situation and I really want to have a baby it makes me so sad and jealous to see her. I've only held her twice! I think my sister knows I might feel this way because she almost always asks if I want to hold her and I always say "it's okay, she looks happy where she is." My sister has even made comments to me that I've only held her a few times. She's such a sweet and happy baby and I wish I wanted to hold her more. I feel relieved in a way after reading your post because I felt like I was a bad person for not wanting to hold her too. Maybe its just normal? I hope so.
Lori

k&b

Char, I think you know I am in the same place as you. Hubby has azoo so we resorted to DS. I have a slightly different perspective on looks, although it still pops into my head. What I can tell you is this: my father that raised me is not my biological father. My bio father is a horrible man who I have not seen in 6 years. As a child people always told me "you look just like your dad". (meaning step dad) My mom and I look a little alike, but not much, so everyone assumed my looks came from my step dad. When Random ppl would say that ,he would smile and say "thank you!". And he meant it. It got to where we would say things like "you get that from your dad".... Point is, although we know it in our hearts, as time goes on, I think it will feel less and less like their is a DS behind the baby. I know that I am 100% my father's daughter, blood or not. He raised me, and loved me, and for that, he made me who I am, the bio dad had nothing to do with it. I also think it won't matter as much as we fear it will. I think we will be too busy parenting! At least, this is my hope!
As for the resentment thing, I can't help you there! I have a cousin who has a beautiful child that she does not take care of, she abandoned him b/c she is selfish and I can hardly look at her, b/c I know she doesn't understand what it is to not be able to have your own child, and she took it for granted. And any friend that announces a a pregnancy, well I just cry....
Just know that that you are feeling is normal for someone in your/our shoes!