Hello and welcome to the Fairfax Cryobank Family Forum!
The forum has a new look and the Fairfax Team is so excited to create the best experience for our users.
To Note:
Private Donor Groups and Private Sibling Connection Groups are now located under the category "Groups". Search the donor number in the search box and you should find exactly what you're looking for!
Questions about your forum access? Email forum@fairfaxcryobank.com
Follow these steps to join a private donor group:
1) Press "Join" at the right of the group
2) Once prompted to confirm your request please list this information so we can verify your information:
Name (under which the vial was purchased)
Email
Clinic Name
Donor number
Child Date of Birth
*If you are looking to start a private group for a PRS donor please email forum@fairfaxcryobank.com with the above information and that you are looking for a PRS group*
If you have any questions about the verification process please email forum@fairfaxcryobank.com
The forum has a new look and the Fairfax Team is so excited to create the best experience for our users.
To Note:
Private Donor Groups and Private Sibling Connection Groups are now located under the category "Groups". Search the donor number in the search box and you should find exactly what you're looking for!
Questions about your forum access? Email forum@fairfaxcryobank.com
Follow these steps to join a private donor group:
1) Press "Join" at the right of the group
2) Once prompted to confirm your request please list this information so we can verify your information:
Name (under which the vial was purchased)
Clinic Name
Donor number
Child Date of Birth
*If you are looking to start a private group for a PRS donor please email forum@fairfaxcryobank.com with the above information and that you are looking for a PRS group*
If you have any questions about the verification process please email forum@fairfaxcryobank.com
My husband is reluctant...help?
babyblues2009
Junior Member
My husband had a lot of health issues as a child and some pretty significant abdomial surgery resulting in the loss of his right testical at a VERY young age. He was reassured all his life that his remaining testical would be more than sufficient for him to father children one day. We never thought twice about it...until we started having trouble getting pregnant. Now the dianosis is official: Severe Male Factor Infertility. We don't make a ton of money and so donor sperm seems to be our best option to have child, but my husband is having trouble with the idea. He says he is okay with it, but worries that he'll always be thinking about it being "someone else's" baby. He thinks he will have a hard time if people say the baby looks like him when he knows it can't. I am trying very hard to help him through this uneasiness so we can move ahead with the donor selection process, but I need help. Suggestions? Anyone been through this? Words of wisdom? Please!!
Comments
However, now that we're getting to the point of actually planning our family, I really want to experience pregnancy. I want to be able to control the health of our babies in utero. Also, as mentioned before, it is so much more cost-effective. I'm extremely healthy as is my entire family (good genes to pass on) and I'm a redhead so I would love to pass that on to a child!
My husband is perfectly fine with adoption, but when I brought up donor sperm a month ago, he said he didn't like the idea. Anyone have some insight into a guy's mind?
My husband has azoospermia (0 sperm count) and there is no explanation. He has had all the genetic testing, testosterone testing, no blockages etc...it just is. It took him about 3 years to decide he would be ok with donor sperm. Even then, it was 6 months from the time we had our first RE visit to the time he was ready for use to actually try. Every man handles the news differently. For my husband, he felt "less of a man" and incapable of doing "what all his friends so easily did" We went through some therapy, both apart and together. He still mourns the inability to pass his genetics on to his children, but now that we are actually pregnant, he is doing better. I highly recommend the book Helping The Stork. It was good for my husband to read other men's stories and realize he is not alone, and that his feelings are normal.
The hardest part for him to overcome was the idea that someone else (i.e. donor) did something so trivial (donate into a cup) and have millions of sperm, when he could not produce one. He was fine with adoption, because no one else was "getting me pregnant". We were very diligent to never refer to the donor as "he" and we chose a donor that did not have lifetime pictures. Our first donor we saw the pictures of, and my husband wished he never did. He felt like he would have that picture in his head forever, and compare our child with it. We switched donors after 5 failed IUIs, and feel like it is for the best that we don't have a mental picture of the current donor.
Again, check out the book, and consider therapy, even just a couple of sessions, so your hubby can feel heard in a neutral territory.
Hang in there... Hopefully he will come to understand the importance to you of bearing a child.
we choose an anonymous donor and did not want any more info on the donor other than ethnicity, education, and medical history. after having two beautiful sons i will say that they are me in ever single way. where ever i go so many people say that me and my boys look so alike. it makes me smile and i say thank you (if they only knew), but the truth of the matter is that they are you. you are listed as the father on the Birth certificate and will be the only dad they know. i am truly thankful to the donor that took the time to help us make our family. i think i have come to terms with our decision because we explored every option we had and in the end this is what we both wanted. we do plan on telling our kids one day about all of this and our counselor said it best. you just tell your kids that when making our family that daddy needed some help in the form of cells to be able to have kids. that is the way i look at it. just like a blood transfusion is needed to save a life a sperm cells were needed to start a life. i hope this helps some of the wives out there whos husbands are on the fence. it was truly the best decision of my life and i have never regretted it. i had all kinds of fears before my first son was born, but after the little dude arrived all that faded away. Best of luck to all of you and like i said i hope this helps hearing a guys position.
Thank you for sharing your story. I have a friend, her and her husband are going through this struggle. I'm hoping your words may give them some peace.
When selecting our donor I told my wife I wanted a couple things. I didn't want adoption because I wanted to go through the pregnancy with my wife. (1 in 100,000 men want this I think) why can't we have this experience together like any other person without problems. her feeling the baby grow, me seeing the changes, seeing the baby in the ultrasound, showing the pictures around as the proud papa.
Things I agreed to.
Annomious donor no way of finding him
Same body type, eyes, hair, and skin color
A childhood photo that looks like me
I did not want to see adult photos this is a little to.
It sounds out of this world to have someone else be my kids bio dad but really I want experiences that every other man gets with his wife. And borrowing someone else's cells to make a kid that I will have since day one of its life, it will know no difference. And they always say that husband and wife start looking alike after being with eachother for years. The same things happens with children. Kids will pick up personalitys, traits and other things from parents.
If he needs to talk to another guy with sort of the same problem private message me and we can get in contact. It's just my view that every family (guy mostly) shouldn't have to just accept the idea of "we can't do it because i have parts that are not working". My wife and I went though years of trying, tons of money to try to fix my issues with surgreys, and heartbreak with each month that went on. Every email that went out at work with "we're expecting" chats at lunch of oh look at what our baby did this week was just a slap in the face and made me hate myself even more. I couldn't be happier with our choice in going the IUI route and our twins that are due shortly.