Tell Family About Decision to Use Sperm Donation

sthomas

Pixelpie

Do you plan on telling your child? If you do not...then I wouldnt tell anyone. You wouldn't want that information leaked accidentally to your child. If you do plan on telling your child then I think I would share the info only with people who know your treatment/history.

Pixelpie

And I'd only tell this that will be supportive.... Sorry hit submit accidentally! Best of luck to you!

k&b

Anne72

Julius

I am so glad to see this topic because we are struggling with it too. We were were told that we could try IVF along with a risky and expensive operation with a relatively low chance of success if we wanted to pursue having our own biological child. We ultimately decided not to go that route. It took a lot of time and counseling to get to a place where we are both at peace with using a donor. (Don't get me wrong, I still have moments when I question every decision we made). The next step was deciding who to tell what to. It's hard for me to keep silent because I want to talk about it. :? I hate the idea of lying to everyone we know or acting like I am ashamed, but a counselor pointed out that I have to respect my future child's right to privacy and how hard this is for my husband. We are planning to tell our child. We don't want to lie to anyone since the child will probably tell someone at some point so we are just going to announce we're pregnant to my family and our friends when it happens with no details. We know they will find out, but we thought we would let our child be the one to break the news if they want to. My husband's family live abroad and are conservative. His parents know about our fertility issues so they will have questions. We want to tell them them the truth, but I am scared of what they will say or do. I really like my MIL, and I dread the thought of her hating me and/or blaming me for "forcing" this on her son so I could selfishly have my own biological child. I am desperately hoping that they will be supportive because it will mean a lot to both of us. We are trying our first round of DI this month, and I am so excited to finally take this step. If it works, my husband is going to break the news to his mother in person when we are past the first trimester. He plans to explain that this is the safest, quickest,most economical, and least medically invasive way for us to have a child. I keep telling myself that we have to give them time to process it since we have had 2 years to come to terms with everything. I have my fingers crossed, and I am hoping that someday there will be more social acceptance of DI and everyone will be as open and unashamed of DI as they now are of adoption. If there are any other books aside from "Helping the Stork", I would love to hear about them.

Leahbird

Julius

It is comforting to hear from someone who has been here and can offer some hindsight. Thank you so much for sharing your story Leahbird. It has given me a lot to think about.

babyblues2009

My husband and I have decided to go the DI route, but we are still dealing with our decision, particularly my husband. My husband's urologist suggested the same invasive surgical procedure that Julius mentioned but we decided against it at this time, mostly due to financial reasons. We are leaving it open as a potential option for the future though. In our talks about who to tell about the DI, I have mostly left the decision up to my husband and he doesn't want people to know. We have told our families though, but mostly because they have been involved in our infertility journey up to know so they already knew his azoo diagnosis. My husband told his parents about the DI so that there wouldn't be any thought that I was pushing him to this option. So far, our families have been extremely supportive! I hope it stays that way. We have not decided yet if we will tell our child, but since our families know I figure we should. We are still working on that discussion...

Julius

I am following up on my earlier post. We made it safely through the first trimester, and my husband is currently abroad visiting his family. We were both very tense about how his parents would take the news. I am relieved and happy to report that it went very well. When my husband told them that they were going to be grandparents, his mother said, "Really? Did you use a donor?" He was blown away. They knew of our fertility issues, but we had never discussed DI as an option with them. We thought that culture, religion, and their age (70-80 years) would make them unreceptive to the idea, and we did not want to be discouraged from proceeding. Instead, they were both very happy for us and are excited to meet the baby. His mom has been telling all of her friends and family that she will FINALLY be a grandmother. This reaction was unexpected and such a joy. I know that many others won't have the same set of circumstances, but I wanted to share the positive ending to the fears I voiced months ago.

k&b

Singingirl96

Well, every family is different. I'm currently in my 8th month of pregnancy after trying for 7 years. My husband is 100% infertile and we've tried everything. My in-laws took it REALLY hard as my MIL is a die hard catholic. She did not acknowledge my pregnancy until my 6th month. She refused to talk to me about it and acted as if there was no pregnancy. There was no congratulations, or "how are you feeling?" and it was really hard to deal with. My husband, who had already been iffy about the whole thing took it really hard because he wanted his parent's approval. They are finally coming around and dh is just now starting to get excited and refer to the baby as his son. Yesterday we were discussing circumcision and he said he wants the baby to be circumcised so he looks like his dad... That's the first time he said he was the baby's dad, so I'm starting to feel better about the whole thing cause till now, I felt pretty alone. At the same time, we feel we had to tell his parents. It is not fair to lie to them.

robin