Tell Family About Decision to Use Sperm Donation

sthomas

My husband and I have decided to use a sperm donor and will probably be doing our first cycle in April or May. We both feel that we want to tell our immediate family about our decision. I feel like keeping it from them some how makes it seem like I am ashamed of our decision and I am not. I am happy that my husband and I may finally get the chance to have the family we have always wanted. I was wondering if any of you have any advise on when and how is best to tell families. We are not sure of the response we will get and I am afraid that the response may not be positive and supportive. I was just wondering if anyone had any advise on the best way to bring up the subject. I have read the book Helping the Stork and was wondering if anyone knew of any books or other literature that might touch on this issue. Any advise or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Pixelpie

Do you plan on telling your child? If you do not...then I wouldnt tell anyone. You wouldn't want that information leaked accidentally to your child. If you do plan on telling your child then I think I would share the info only with people who know your treatment/history.

Pixelpie

And I'd only tell this that will be supportive.... Sorry hit submit accidentally! Best of luck to you!

k&b

S,
Honestly, every family and couple is different. For us, in the beginning, my husband did not want any one at all to know he has azoo. It has been a blow to his masculinity and ego. I still don't think he has come 100% to terms with it. After a couple of years( ok, 5), we decided to try the donor route and that we would tell immediate family only. He sat down and talked with his parents, and I told my mom, who in turn told my dad...it seemed like an awkward father/daughter convo.
They all took it as well as can be expected. Honestly, the talk was harder on my hubby than anyone else. After lots of soul searching and counseling, we came to the agreement that because it was his body we were doing this "because of" he made the choice who knew about it.
We only read Helping the Stork. If you come up with another book, please let me know!

Anne72

I'm single, so that makes the decision to tell a little easier. But I'm not hiding it. All my friends and family have been incredibly supportive. It is really weird talking to my dad about my follicle counts, etc. but it has turned into a wonderful bonding experience.

My parents are even ready to sell their house so we can all move closer to each other once this finally works!

Julius

I am so glad to see this topic because we are struggling with it too. We were were told that we could try IVF along with a risky and expensive operation with a relatively low chance of success if we wanted to pursue having our own biological child. We ultimately decided not to go that route. It took a lot of time and counseling to get to a place where we are both at peace with using a donor. (Don't get me wrong, I still have moments when I question every decision we made). The next step was deciding who to tell what to. It's hard for me to keep silent because I want to talk about it. :? I hate the idea of lying to everyone we know or acting like I am ashamed, but a counselor pointed out that I have to respect my future child's right to privacy and how hard this is for my husband. We are planning to tell our child. We don't want to lie to anyone since the child will probably tell someone at some point so we are just going to announce we're pregnant to my family and our friends when it happens with no details. We know they will find out, but we thought we would let our child be the one to break the news if they want to. My husband's family live abroad and are conservative. His parents know about our fertility issues so they will have questions. We want to tell them them the truth, but I am scared of what they will say or do. I really like my MIL, and I dread the thought of her hating me and/or blaming me for "forcing" this on her son so I could selfishly have my own biological child. I am desperately hoping that they will be supportive because it will mean a lot to both of us. We are trying our first round of DI this month, and I am so excited to finally take this step. If it works, my husband is going to break the news to his mother in person when we are past the first trimester. He plans to explain that this is the safest, quickest,most economical, and least medically invasive way for us to have a child. I keep telling myself that we have to give them time to process it since we have had 2 years to come to terms with everything. I have my fingers crossed, and I am hoping that someday there will be more social acceptance of DI and everyone will be as open and unashamed of DI as they now are of adoption. If there are any other books aside from "Helping the Stork", I would love to hear about them.

Leahbird

My fertility doctor said to either tell everyone or tell no one. We chose not to tell anyone. Being raised to always be honest made it difficult to say the least. After much thought I decided that my child (who just turned 18!) had a right to grow up without everyone looking at her and wondering "where she came from." I feel that it is the most personal and important decision that you and your husband can make. It isn't anyone's business that your husband is infertile. It isn't anyone's business what you do or how you pursue having children. It is no different than adopting. The end result is a child that you will raise and love as your own. Your husband will love this child as it will be part of you.

Recently my daughter came across some papers that lead her to the conclusion that my husband wasn't her biological father. She had sensed something all her life and had asked me about it repeatedly over the years as she always felt something was missing. Surprisingly she wasn't so upset by not knowing - when I explained what we went through to have her in our lives, she understood. So now she knows and doesn't want anyone else to know. I will continue not to tell anyone and will leave it up to her. She is very excited to learn she has over 20 siblings out there somewhere - imagine that! Finding them will be the next adventure!

Good luck with your decision - looking back on mine - I think we did the right thing.

Julius

It is comforting to hear from someone who has been here and can offer some hindsight. Thank you so much for sharing your story Leahbird. It has given me a lot to think about.

babyblues2009

My husband and I have decided to go the DI route, but we are still dealing with our decision, particularly my husband. My husband's urologist suggested the same invasive surgical procedure that Julius mentioned but we decided against it at this time, mostly due to financial reasons. We are leaving it open as a potential option for the future though. In our talks about who to tell about the DI, I have mostly left the decision up to my husband and he doesn't want people to know. We have told our families though, but mostly because they have been involved in our infertility journey up to know so they already knew his azoo diagnosis. My husband told his parents about the DI so that there wouldn't be any thought that I was pushing him to this option. So far, our families have been extremely supportive! I hope it stays that way. We have not decided yet if we will tell our child, but since our families know I figure we should. We are still working on that discussion...

Julius

I am following up on my earlier post. We made it safely through the first trimester, and my husband is currently abroad visiting his family. We were both very tense about how his parents would take the news. I am relieved and happy to report that it went very well. When my husband told them that they were going to be grandparents, his mother said, "Really? Did you use a donor?" He was blown away. They knew of our fertility issues, but we had never discussed DI as an option with them. We thought that culture, religion, and their age (70-80 years) would make them unreceptive to the idea, and we did not want to be discouraged from proceeding. Instead, they were both very happy for us and are excited to meet the baby. His mom has been telling all of her friends and family that she will FINALLY be a grandmother. This reaction was unexpected and such a joy. I know that many others won't have the same set of circumstances, but I wanted to share the positive ending to the fears I voiced months ago.

k&b

I am so glad they took it so well! We told my parents and my in-laws before we actually had our first IUI and my MIL was the one I was most concerned about. Luckily, her response was "as long as you give me a grand baby, I don't care where it comes from! It will be your baby, and my grandchild, and that is all that matters"
I a thankful for good in-laws!

Singingirl96

Well, every family is different. I'm currently in my 8th month of pregnancy after trying for 7 years. My husband is 100% infertile and we've tried everything. My in-laws took it REALLY hard as my MIL is a die hard catholic. She did not acknowledge my pregnancy until my 6th month. She refused to talk to me about it and acted as if there was no pregnancy. There was no congratulations, or "how are you feeling?" and it was really hard to deal with. My husband, who had already been iffy about the whole thing took it really hard because he wanted his parent's approval. They are finally coming around and dh is just now starting to get excited and refer to the baby as his son. Yesterday we were discussing circumcision and he said he wants the baby to be circumcised so he looks like his dad... That's the first time he said he was the baby's dad, so I'm starting to feel better about the whole thing cause till now, I felt pretty alone. At the same time, we feel we had to tell his parents. It is not fair to lie to them.

robin

Singingirl,
I am sorry that you feel like you have been alone in this process. I am glad that your mil is starting to acknowledge the pregnancy now. I am a single mom by choice and also catholic but obviously not die hard. I attend church and my religion is important to me but used donor sperm to conceive. I am currently waiting to hear back from the church about baptism. I go for the appt to talk to the church on June 5th. I was up front with them about how I conceived and told them..... If God didn't want me to get pregnant this wouln't have worked...... they lady in charge of baptism laughed and said you make a good point. If all this took was science.... it would work on the first or second shot...... I truly belive that God is involved and without him it doesnt happen. You and your husband were meant to be parents to your little boy just as i was meant to be the mother of my little boy. The donors we choose were meant to contribute biologically but we were meant to be the parents. I hope this helps! know that we are all supportive of you and are celebrating with you during this healthy pregnancy!

Robin