Infertility Stinks! I am Depressed Today

ktln77

I ordered 2 vials of a donor I thought I wanted, but when I saw his lifetime photo I realized that he really does not look like my husband and I felt no connection. He is handsome, but I had no connection like, yeah, that looks like my husband's eyes or nose or cheeks, etc... I was intrested in 2 other donors, but they had waitlists and I was on both of them. I ordered their Lifetime photos and I instantly felt a connection to one of them... he bore some resemblance to my husband. Finally, the donor I had a connection to opened up, but Fairfax could only sell me one vial. I bought that one vial and sent the form into my fertility clinic detailing how many and the delivery date. At the time, I was told I should order 2 vials, but they only thaw one at a time. Today, my clinic called and asked me if the form is right that I only bought one vial. I said yes. Now, she says that they will not use it because I had to buy 2 vials in case that one does not thaw right. I am devastated. It's bad enough to lose a part of my child's heritage to infertility, but now I have to lose what might be any resemblance to my husband, too? I am tired. Tired of the treatments, tired of the requirements to get pregnant, and tired of feeling like I always lose everything. I waited a while to get married and start of family and sometimes I wonder if it was in vain. I just wish my life was different. I just wish we could have done this the way other couples get to... on our time and terms and with both of our DNA. I hate having other people dictating everything that happens in our life... when we can have a baby, who we can have a baby with, the weight I needed to be to continue treatments, etc. It does not feel right specially to have someone else dictate something so seemingly basic as reproduction. Sorry if this sounds so negative. I really am very sad, right now.

howdy

i am soooooooo sorry you are feeling this way. Believe me.. ive been through this. Where I question and get sad at the world. and you are entitled to it. infertility SUCKS! I suffered through it for a littl emore than 3 years ! the pain of seeing my period every single month for 3 years KILLED me inside!! why do some people have it so easy and yet you, urself doesnt!?!?! there is no right answer. unfortunately.. that is life. and you have to deal with it. I dont want to preach but I do think things happen for a reason. After 2 failed IUI'S, i finally got my positive on my 3rd one. now i have a 6 month old and he is a blessing. but he taught me to be patient. patience is a virtue. i honestly thought it would never happen for me but i kept the faith and prayed to st gerard alot. and it happened.

my suggestion for you is to let it out. cry it out. go for a drive.. lay in a bath tub while listening to ur favorite song. go on a weekend vacation with ur loved one. talk to EACH OTHER about it. ur husband is ur MAIN SUPPORTER. i know u want the baby to look like ur husband.. but.. what if it doesnt?? will you love the baby any less?? i have met a lot of people who can have babies and their children dont even look like the parents. they look like the parents siblings... or someone else in the family. so really... u dont know what that BLESSING OF A BABY will look like. mine obv doesnt look like my husband because we did use a donor but he looks like me. and you know what.. he has a personality like my hsuabnd! its hard to believe but he does. i dont see his LACK OF MY HUSBANDS physical traits sadden me. hes my son. and our JOY. OUR BABY. i dont refer to him or tell my husband "he's not your son anyway.. we used a donor." i NEVER throw it in his face ... ur husband will be the father. whether it looks like him or not. it shouldnt matter. believe me.. once u come face to face with that baby.. ur world will turn upside down and you will just forget all about this infertility stuff and just rejoice.

im sorry you're having a bad day. i want to try again for a sibling and the thought of starting over with treatments frightens me also but i just have to think positive. it will happen. and it'll happen for you too. you're just a little stressed out right now. take a breather.. and you will feel better. they told me once.. to count slowly to 10 with deep inhales and exhales.. and you know what.. that helps!! please dont give up on this dream. it's a roller coaster ride but so worth it. don't lose faith please. these forums are awesome for support as well.

sending you a huuuuuuuuuge hug. it'll be ok.

ktln77

Hello, Howdy.

Thanks for the support and the hug I was having a rotten day that day. I always tell my husband that this is going to be our baby and that he can teach this child many things like how to play baseball, soccer, how to plant a garden, etc... I love my husband and I guess I was just grieving the loss of a connection to him.

I am happy to report that I have 22 follicles - most of them above 16 and I am having my egg retrieval tommorrow! The clinic also allowed me to use my donor but because I have so many eggs they have to do ICSI because there is not going to be enough sperm. LOL... I just can't wait for the day to show off my baby on this forum. Congratulations on your son!

mamagerdy

I know exactly how you feel. We waited a long time after getting married to try to get pregnant and it was devastating when we found out my husband has azoospermia. It is hard when everyone around you is having babies and you don't think you ever will. And then everyone asking when are you going to have a baby. I know it is hard, but try to stay positive. We now have a 3 year old girl and a baby boy. I was worried about people saying they don't look like my husband, but no one has. My husband wasn't sure if he would connect with them, but he cried when they were born and is their father in every way. Once your baby is born, it doesn't matter how they got here.

Good luck and keep your head up.