scared

vickiandali

I am a single mom of a nine year old daughter. After my divorce I always thought I would find a prince charming around the corner. Sad to say after ending a five year relationship with a guy who said well maybe more kids, I am back out on my own. Only this time I am turning 40 this year. I don't want to run to the bar to find a guy. I have decided to head to the dr to see about my options with a donor. However, I am concerned with many things but first how to explain this to my nine year old daughter!? For my duaghter now her dad has NOTHING to do with her. But she knows he is out there and where he lives. Every blue moon he sends her an email. But what will I tell my new baby when they grow up?
How does one even pick the sperm or yet how many vivals to get. We all want it to take the first time, but I don't want to have tons of exta floating around somewhere. HUM
thanks for listening to me.

moewhit25

Hi Vicki
There will sometimes be more questions than answers about choosing this path to become a mother. And I can honestly say that if this is something that you want to do move forward and be as informed as possible. Try not to let fear prevent you from doing anything or wasting precious time. At forty years old our eggs are not farm fresh, even if all of the tests come back well within range and we are healthy and young at heart. It still can take some time to achieve a successful pregnancy.

I plan on being very honest about how my child came to be. There's nothing to be ashamed of....As for your 9 year old, I would use language that suits her maturity level and be ready to answer some difficult questions. There are books that women have posted on this forum to help with the process...you will need to do a search because I cannot remember the thread name.

Starting this journey can be very overwhelming and stressful. It helps if you are somewhat systematic about your approach. These are the steps that I took to get started.

1. Call insurance company to find out if there's a fertility benefit or if only the consultation is covered.
2. Write down a list of top qualities you want in a donor. For me it was CMV negative, healthy family history, height, personality, and ethnic background.
Don't be too specific because it can complicate things and remember you are contributing to the genetic make up and there are no guarantees that you will get what the donor looks like. Genetics is a gamble.
3. Meet with a fertility doctor (reproductive endo) NOT an OB/GYN for an initial consultation. They will take a full history, give you info on the practice, and determine how likely IUI or IVF will be a success based on bloodwork/ultrasound info. This doc will also tell you how many vials they recommend based on your procedure.
4. Ask about semen vial storage
5. Choose 3-4 donors that you like and place an order. Its expensive and I would typically order 2 vials at a time because shipping can be $200. Some women buy several samples at a time and store them for later use (donors can sell out and this can cost you time if you don't have a backup)

You can lose a good amount of money if you buy multiple vials and then have leftovers which you can try to sell or Fairfax can buy back a a 50% cut (that's only if it didn't leave their storage area)

There's no guarantee that just because the IUI or IVF is done with all factors being perfect that it will work the first or even the third time. It's about 20% and the same odds if you were doing it by timed intercourse. So average may take 4-6 tries before a successful pregnancy and that's only if the eggs are good quality. Not trying to discourage you but just prepare you for what can occur. There are women that get lucky on the first try :-)

Most importantly, limit your STRESS! Develop a fitness program like walking, swimming, etc. Try acupuncture and yoga, schedule massages if possible. Drink lots of water and eat as though you are already pregnant. Limit the "bad" stuff.

I started this when I turned 40 and finally had a successful pregnancy at 42...whew!!!! Never did I imagine it would be this challenging of a rollercoaster ride. Thankfully I'm currently 30 weeks and 4 days and have about 9 more weeks to go before I meet my little one. So hang in there and keep the faith!

Good luck and keep us posted on your journey.

Moe

blkern23

Hi....I am a single mother of a 7 1/2 year old daughter. I too thought there would come a day that I would find some prince charming but it still hasn't happened. I have decided to move forward on my own. I have decided that my family, daughter included, can raise another child with enough love. My daughter does see her father every other weekend so I know there will be a lot of questions from my daughter as well as this future child as to why one goes to her father's house and the other doesn't have a father.

My plan is to explain to my daughter that it takes cells from a man and cells from a woman to make a baby and it takes a loving family to raise that baby and that we have enough love to go around. The book "The Adventures of Princess Mommy: A Fairy Tale for Single Mothers and Their Children" seems to be a pretty good fit for my situation. The book explains how "princess mommy" tried to find prince charming and describes all these princes who ended up being frogs. In the end princess mommy decided to go to the "wise woman" who is a doctor to have her help make a baby. It talks about how all the family and friends came together to pick the perfect "seed" for princess mommy and that is how you came to be. The book is written for the baby someday but it seems to explain things really well for my daughter.

I have yet to share this with my daughter. I had my first IUI with success but had a miscarriage. Now I'm waiting for my second IUI. I won't share anything with my daughter until I'm 12 weeks pregnant. She doesn't even know I'm doing any of this because I don't want her to anticipate things or be upset over any miscarriages. It's so much waiting...

Good luck with whatever decisions you make...

robin

I just want to share my story. I started this at the age of 37 and while I had no biological children of my own. My than 11 year old neice lives with me and my other neice and nephew stay with me on the weekends. I sat them down before I did this to ask what they thougt about me having a baby. They were excited and then my neice age 5 asked.... auntie you don't have a boyfriend how can you do that? I told here I would go to a special doctoor and they would help me. That is all she needed to know. I eventually had to give myself shots and they all saw me do this and would ask what I was doing and I would say helping to have a baby. Auntie needs some help. My oldest neice knew more. I tiold her that I was getting donor sperm and knew that I could choose the donor and was interested in helping. A warning once you tell kids they will tell everyone what you are doing. My neice went to her gymnastics class and told her coaches what I was doing. It didnt bother me but might bother others. And in 5th grade sex ed..... they talk about kids being born using donor sperm when talking about all different families. She knew sooo much info and answered so many questions regarding this the nurse pulled her aside after and asked if she was conceived using donor sperm.... she said no but my aunt is having a baby that way. They were very supportive and thought it was great that she knew so much about it. I think you can tell your daughter aned she will understand just be prepared for questions and for the fact that she will be excited and will share the info! I learned after the first iui not to tell my neice I was having it done bc she told people I would know if I was pregnant in two weeks and that was too hard to let people know it didnt work. So I didnt tell her until I was pregnant!

The rest of the advice I would say is all that Moe said!

Good luck!

Robin