What to tell my son about his father?

vanessavick

I am a single mother with a very inquisitive 3 and a half year old. Father's day is fast approaching and they are making all sorts of things for daddy at preschool and having a father's day party on Friday. I know that he will begin asking about his father soon and I am terrified that I am going to mess this up. I want to be honest with him but not overwhelm him or make him feel awkward or that he can't talk to me about it.....need help...anyone else already been through this??

B4baby

How about a donor day instead of Father's Day? We plan on being very honest with our little girl about where she came from. Instead of a dad, she had a donor, to whom we are ever so grateful. Do you have any books to read to him that portray different types of families? Ones with one mom or two moms, one dad, or two dads, or adopted kids or kids who live with grandparents? Showing him that there are all types of families out there might be a place to start. Best of luck to you!

blkern23

Hi Vanessa. I am a teacher and there are students at school coming from many different situations that make Mothers Day and Fathers day different for each of them. As far as Fathers Day...does he have a Grandfather or an Uncle that he can make something for and give the gift to them?

As far as explaining things to him, I bought a book called "The Adventures of Princess Mommy: A Fairy Tale for Single Mothers and Their Children". The book basically goes through Mom meeting all these men who just aren't her "prince" so she goes to a "wise woman" who is a doctor and the doctor along with help of all her family and friends help her have a baby. It's not perfect but I really like it. I plan to give this book to my 8 year old daughter when I tell her I'm pregnant. I am 10 weeks now and plan to tell her in the next couple of weeks. I will use it to help her understand how I am pregnant and then will also be able to read it to my baby someday. You may need to shorten the book for your 3 year old, not reading all the words but I think it would help explain how he was born out of lots of love. I know there are also more simple books for younger kids out there. I made a list when I first started this process. If you want the names/links to these books let me know and I can send them to you.

I hope this helps. Becky

yanla_til

Hi Vanessa,
There is an ideal book called "Before you were born, my wish for a baby". It makes me cry every time I read it.
I plan to order the book Becky mentioned once I have a baby. It received great reviews.
It is a very tough topic. Wishing you the best.

mjv

There is also one called "Why don't I have a daddy?" By George Anne Clay. Its a childrens book about a mommy & baby lion. I haven't gotten it yet, but I hear good things.

yanla_til

I read that one. In my opinion it is too much information for a kid, especially at 3 years old. It is a great book though.

jendice

Hi Becky,

I would love a copy of the list of books you have put together. Could you send it my way?

Jennifer

vanessavick

yanla_til wrote: »

I read that one. In my opinion it is too much information for a kid, especially at 3 years old. It is a great book though.

Thank you all for the wonderful suggestions. I had thought about a children's book already and yesterday ordered

Why Don't I Have A Daddy?: A Story of Donor Conception
George Anne Clay; Paperback

Little Treasure: Natalie sets off on a journey, and with the help of a few nice people, she brings a sweet and smiley baby into the world.

The Pea that was Me: A Sperm Donation Story (Volume 2)
Kim Kluger-Bell; Paperback

The Family Book
Parr, Todd; Paperback

I will look into the others. I don't want to overwhelm him but if I am uncomfortable about how to handle this then that will be completely transparent to him and I don't want that. I have decided to go to the father's day party at his school tomorrow. I usually go to the parties or special events so this would feel like I am leaving him to cope all by himself if I didn't go.

Also, I spoke to this really nice girl at the Fairfax Cryo Bank yesterday when I was trying to get signed up for the forum. She told me her father was never present and she didn't even have a picture of him. For her she sees her mother as both mother and father and buys cards for her mother on both holidays. I thought that was very sweet. I hope I can fill those shoes.

Nan's Donut Dilemma
Mary E. Ryan; Paperback

vanessavick

Thank you all for the wonderful suggestions. I had thought about a children's book already and yesterday ordered

Why Don't I Have A Daddy?: A Story of Donor Conception
George Anne Clay; Paperback

Little Treasure: Natalie sets off on a journey, and with the help of a few nice people, she brings a sweet and smiley baby into the world.

The Pea that was Me: A Sperm Donation Story (Volume 2)
Kim Kluger-Bell; Paperback

The Family Book
Parr, Todd; Paperback

I will look into the others. I don't want to overwhelm him but if I am uncomfortable about how to handle this then that will be completely transparent to him and I don't want that. I have decided to go to the father's day party at his school tomorrow. I usually go to the parties or special events so this would feel like I am leaving him to cope all by himself if I didn't go.

Also, I spoke to this really nice girl at the Fairfax Cryo Bank yesterday when I was trying to get signed up for the forum. She told me her father was never present and she didn't even have a picture of him. For her she sees her mother as both mother and father and buys cards for her mother on both holidays. I thought that was very sweet. I hope I can fill those shoes.

Nan's Donut Dilemma
Mary E. Ryan; Paperback

Barbra

Hi Vanessa,
I am a single mom and my daughter started asking about her "daddy" soon after she was 2. I just told her we don't have a daddy right now. She accepted that answered and when people said anything pertaining to her father or my husband, she would say we don't have one right now. W do have friends that have both parents, just moms or just dads, so she does get to see different family dynamics. When she is older I will be honest and share all the info I have on her donor and any half siblings. I did read her "Nan's Donut Dilemma" but I don't think she got it, but I will try that book "the adventures of Princess Mommy"
Be honest to the point that he can understand. good luck
Barbra

tcrodg30

Thank God I found this forum. I, as well am a single mother of a 3 1/2 year old. She has been asking about her daddy for a while now, but recently it's become non stop. Breaks my heart when she asks if she can talk to him. I recently purchased the Pea that was Me. It's a cute book, but gears more toward couples (mommy & daddy) using a sperm donor vs a single mother. I also purchased the baby/child album called "and then there was me". I'm excited to put it together for her & I so desperately hope it gives her some sort of comfort. Any other advise/suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!!

mary313

Hi- my son also asks "where's my daddy, mommy". Also breaks my heart. I have told him he doesn't have a daddy, but he has a granddad and an uncle Matt. I also bought a book on amazon about a mommy lion and her cub explains the donor gave the mommy a great gift so she could have the cub. And they look at how different families are comprised. Zebras mom, dad, 2 kids; elephants mom, dad, several kids and grandparents; a leopard who adopted a panther- so even tho they don't look alike, they are a family of 2... Etc. I love the book, and my son is being told his story in a way he both gets and doesn't yet get but will - and it won't be a shocking revelation, but what he's always known just not fully grasped. It's called 'why don't I have a daddy'.

tcrodg30

Thank you mary313. I'm purchasing that one right now too. I need all the help I can get with explaining this. This girl is full of questions, which I expected...just not this soon.

Barbra

My daughter is turning 3 in two weeks & yes it bothers me when she asks about a daddy. But I just tell her we don't have one yet. I am trying more to give her more info but I don't think she gets it. The other day I told her she does have a father, not a daddy, a daddy is someone who lives with the mommy & kids. I'm not sure what's "right" but I guess it's whatever works for each person. She says she wants a brother & a sister but I don't think she understands the concept & also sharing mommy lol. But all suggestions are welcome!

annielea

I think telling him the truth in words he can understand will be the key... "Mommy really wanted to have a little boy, so she went to a clinic, had help from doctors, and then she got her wish: you". I've watched my nephew learning at 3 1/2 to deal with his dad's death, and we always told him the truth. Not all the truth, but pieces of it, and followed his lead as to what he needed to know: he asked many questions in the time since, as he got older. And he always knows we will answer, which is the most important part of it all.

cathmurph

My son just turned two so he isn't asking those questions yet, although I have had questions from a little girl at his daycare. I have purchased several books but so far the only one I've been reading to him is called You Are My Wish Come True. It's about a mother bear telling the story to her son of how much she wanted him and waited for him. It doesn't mention donor specifically, but does talk about the baby growing inside of her and their is no father in the story. It's sweet and I get a bit choked up reading it because my son is definitely my wish come true. There is also a little bit about different makeups of families like in the lion book mentioned above (which I have, but haven't read to him yet).

I don't know if the link will work, but here it is at Amazon. http://www.amazon.com/You-Are-Wish-Come-True/dp/1934082600/ref=sr_1_cc_1?s=aps&ie=UTF8&qid=1378255175&sr=1-1-catcorr&keywords=my+wish+come+true

Rhea

My daughter is 3 1/2 and her favorite bedtime story is when I tell her her own baby story. Mommy was so lonely and wanted a baby but she didn't have a daddy to help her. She went to her doctor and said "doctor, I really want a baby but I don't have a daddy". The doctor said "I know a man who isnt a daddy but he would help you have a baby". Mommy was so excited! The man gave the doctor a baby seed and the doctor put it in mommy's tummy and a tiny baby started to grow and that baby was you! The man who gave us a baby seed is called a donor and isn't he just the nicest man in the whole world because he gave you to me and me to you.

danascully

This has all been very helpful to read (I really like Rhea's baby story - I may steal that! ). My son is just 10 weeks old right now but I want to be very open with him from the very beginning about where he came from. I just bought "The Pea That Was Me Volume 4" that is specifically geared to a single mom using donor sperm. My main question is how to explain to him while he's very young that his father is anonymous so we can't find him or talk to him. What word should I use to describe it? It's a secret? It's a mystery? Something like "The donor is a man who gave his sperm to mommy but it was a secret so we don't know who he is?" I am just praying that I will find the right words when the time comes.

cathmurph

Congratulations on your baby, danascully! I used an ID option donor so I don't have the same issue as you, but my gut reaction that I would avoid using the word secret. I know there are a million innocent secrets but my first thought was related to talking to little ones about stranger danger/safe touches. I know it's not something we want to think about, but I imagine it would be very confusing to have secret be used in two vastly different ways and if it's a bad thing related to unsafe touches does that mean it's a bad thing related to the donor? I hope this is coming across okay. I think I would use the term anonymous and then describe it and maybe connect it to examples in your life. I know sometimes but things for needy families that we adopt during the holidays through work. If you do something like that it could be an example. So something like "the donor is a man who gave his sperm to mommy but he is anonymous. That means we don't know his name or who he is. Like when we buy presents for the family at church (or wherever) and we don't tell them who we are. So, we don't know the donor's name but here are some things we do know about him . . ." Honestly, that's a lot so unless your little one is extremely interested he or she would have tuned out before the end of my explanation . You'll probably have to dole out the information in snippets. My oldest is three now and we sometimes read the kids books about donors and how he came to be, but he has not been overly curious. So far, this is his normal.

fesof

Hello lovely ladies! Any stories on how children deal with this when they are a bit older? Or as adolescents? When they understand the whole situation? Thank you so much! Best wishes to all