What to tell my son about his father?

vanessavick

I am a single mother with a very inquisitive 3 and a half year old. Father's day is fast approaching and they are making all sorts of things for daddy at preschool and having a father's day party on Friday. I know that he will begin asking about his father soon and I am terrified that I am going to mess this up. I want to be honest with him but not overwhelm him or make him feel awkward or that he can't talk to me about it.....need help...anyone else already been through this??

B4baby

How about a donor day instead of Father's Day? We plan on being very honest with our little girl about where she came from. Instead of a dad, she had a donor, to whom we are ever so grateful. Do you have any books to read to him that portray different types of families? Ones with one mom or two moms, one dad, or two dads, or adopted kids or kids who live with grandparents? Showing him that there are all types of families out there might be a place to start. Best of luck to you!

blkern23

yanla_til

mjv

There is also one called "Why don't I have a daddy?" By George Anne Clay. Its a childrens book about a mommy & baby lion. I haven't gotten it yet, but I hear good things.

yanla_til

I read that one. In my opinion it is too much information for a kid, especially at 3 years old. It is a great book though.

jendice

vanessavick

vanessavick

Barbra

tcrodg30

Thank God I found this forum. I, as well am a single mother of a 3 1/2 year old. She has been asking about her daddy for a while now, but recently it's become non stop. Breaks my heart when she asks if she can talk to him. I recently purchased the Pea that was Me. It's a cute book, but gears more toward couples (mommy & daddy) using a sperm donor vs a single mother. I also purchased the baby/child album called "and then there was me". I'm excited to put it together for her & I so desperately hope it gives her some sort of comfort. Any other advise/suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!!

mary313

Hi- my son also asks "where's my daddy, mommy". Also breaks my heart. I have told him he doesn't have a daddy, but he has a granddad and an uncle Matt. I also bought a book on amazon about a mommy lion and her cub explains the donor gave the mommy a great gift so she could have the cub. And they look at how different families are comprised. Zebras mom, dad, 2 kids; elephants mom, dad, several kids and grandparents; a leopard who adopted a panther- so even tho they don't look alike, they are a family of 2... Etc. I love the book, and my son is being told his story in a way he both gets and doesn't yet get but will - and it won't be a shocking revelation, but what he's always known just not fully grasped. It's called 'why don't I have a daddy'.

tcrodg30

Thank you mary313. I'm purchasing that one right now too. I need all the help I can get with explaining this. This girl is full of questions, which I expected...just not this soon.

Barbra

My daughter is turning 3 in two weeks & yes it bothers me when she asks about a daddy. But I just tell her we don't have one yet. I am trying more to give her more info but I don't think she gets it. The other day I told her she does have a father, not a daddy, a daddy is someone who lives with the mommy & kids. I'm not sure what's "right" but I guess it's whatever works for each person. She says she wants a brother & a sister but I don't think she understands the concept & also sharing mommy lol. But all suggestions are welcome!

annielea

I think telling him the truth in words he can understand will be the key... "Mommy really wanted to have a little boy, so she went to a clinic, had help from doctors, and then she got her wish: you". I've watched my nephew learning at 3 1/2 to deal with his dad's death, and we always told him the truth. Not all the truth, but pieces of it, and followed his lead as to what he needed to know: he asked many questions in the time since, as he got older. And he always knows we will answer, which is the most important part of it all.

cathmurph

Rhea

My daughter is 3 1/2 and her favorite bedtime story is when I tell her her own baby story. Mommy was so lonely and wanted a baby but she didn't have a daddy to help her. She went to her doctor and said "doctor, I really want a baby but I don't have a daddy". The doctor said "I know a man who isnt a daddy but he would help you have a baby". Mommy was so excited! The man gave the doctor a baby seed and the doctor put it in mommy's tummy and a tiny baby started to grow and that baby was you! The man who gave us a baby seed is called a donor and isn't he just the nicest man in the whole world because he gave you to me and me to you.

danascully

This has all been very helpful to read (I really like Rhea's baby story - I may steal that! ). My son is just 10 weeks old right now but I want to be very open with him from the very beginning about where he came from. I just bought "The Pea That Was Me Volume 4" that is specifically geared to a single mom using donor sperm. My main question is how to explain to him while he's very young that his father is anonymous so we can't find him or talk to him. What word should I use to describe it? It's a secret? It's a mystery? Something like "The donor is a man who gave his sperm to mommy but it was a secret so we don't know who he is?" I am just praying that I will find the right words when the time comes.

cathmurph

Congratulations on your baby, danascully! I used an ID option donor so I don't have the same issue as you, but my gut reaction that I would avoid using the word secret. I know there are a million innocent secrets but my first thought was related to talking to little ones about stranger danger/safe touches. I know it's not something we want to think about, but I imagine it would be very confusing to have secret be used in two vastly different ways and if it's a bad thing related to unsafe touches does that mean it's a bad thing related to the donor? I hope this is coming across okay. I think I would use the term anonymous and then describe it and maybe connect it to examples in your life. I know sometimes but things for needy families that we adopt during the holidays through work. If you do something like that it could be an example. So something like "the donor is a man who gave his sperm to mommy but he is anonymous. That means we don't know his name or who he is. Like when we buy presents for the family at church (or wherever) and we don't tell them who we are. So, we don't know the donor's name but here are some things we do know about him . . ." Honestly, that's a lot so unless your little one is extremely interested he or she would have tuned out before the end of my explanation . You'll probably have to dole out the information in snippets. My oldest is three now and we sometimes read the kids books about donors and how he came to be, but he has not been overly curious. So far, this is his normal.

fesof

Hello lovely ladies! Any stories on how children deal with this when they are a bit older? Or as adolescents? When they understand the whole situation? Thank you so much! Best wishes to all